have I told you
how beautiful you are tonight
just like a movie star
Amazingly so
Before I had a chance to (haha, i had plenty chances.. but before I chose to) comment on my new living situation it changed.
Last friday I moved my ass and all of my worldly possesions to a new room in a new apartment - right downtown. I am now crammed into a slightly smaller space facing the central station.
What I was gonna say about that was the four really nice people I've moved in with. But mere moments ago two of them announced that they're moving out. It's a couple, and they're moving into the girls parents house while they are away and then.. not back here. Still shellshocked I don't know if there is any drama behind their decision, but needless to say it does not put me at ease one bit.
One upside to it however is that I know can move into her/their room.. which is bigger than the one I'm in and has...the balcony! That wont be a big shame I guess. But, I wouldn't have minded living in this room at all, and I'm sure that they were both nice people to hang with, at least that's my first impressions.
-
I had so much nice things to say, about the apartment which is big and bright and perfectly situated, and about the guys living here who are friendly, cool and fun. But now I feel hesitant and also a fair bit tired.
-
Anyhoo; if you're looking for a place to live in Uppsala, just drop me a line and I'll hook you up in this nice place.
Field Commander Cohen
"It's hard to hold the hand of anyone
who is reaching for the sky just to surrender"
According to the latest polls
i have the life of a Folkpartist.. i feel violated and betrayed..
(DN test)
Fp -77%
Mp -58%
M -52%
V -48%
C -38%
Kd -35%
S -26%
(DN test)
Fp -77%
Mp -58%
M -52%
V -48%
C -38%
Kd -35%
S -26%
Songlines
"Je sens sur tes levres une odeur de fievre de gosse mal nourri.
Et sous ta caresse je sens une ivresse qui m'aneantit."
-Rufus Wainwright
---
"Her heart's a menagerie
of coffee stained diaries"
-Tony Roberts
Part I - In which a part of me gets lost
Let's see for how long I'll have energy..
-
Came back last night at 1am to Uppsala after what has been a long and complex week.
1st things 1st, and where I went initially was Glasgow, to meet my friends B and I. This here to the left is them, on top of some hill in Edinburgh.
-
The first day was a saturday and we went to do some sporting to give the weekend a good start. I put away 2k in the swimming pool while the B knocked some (shuttle-)cocks around. Suitably fit for fight we then hit the town for some bean burgers at bar91.
Then we went back home, chilled with cups o tea, the backbone of brittania. Mr L was arriving during the day, and we made arrangements to meet up later. We took the car to Balfron outside of Glasgow where B was to partake in an event about a Gambian village and the projects of
exchange and development that was underway between it and a Scottish village school. B is involved in a solar project, which is going to install a small solar electric system in the village, providing artificial light, a medical refridgerator and perhaps some additional power for a computer station.
The evening was interesting and inspiring for the most part.
-
then we went back to glasgow for the traumatising experience of tumbling down the crabbit hole into B's sister bachelorette party. Six highly intoxicated young women in purple glitter wigs, dancing, shouting, drinking and generally making very little sense. They were nice though, groping aside.
we par-teed at McPhlabbs pub until and beyond closing time, the girls left earlier, but we stayde on for drinks with the barman. In retrospect i feel like the drinks may have been watered down, because I can't understand otherwise how i could still be standing.
Not letting this stop us, we went to "Cantremebere" nicht-club for dancing to the classics like MMMMmmmbop and others. During some confusion when we left, B ordered two Jack and Cokes. Realising he was the only one left inside, he determedly downed both of them and came out to join the rest of us.
-
Sunday, we slept in. Then went to Edinburgh for a daytrip, just walking around in a hazy foggy city. I was feeling weird, carsick or hungover. Coldsweating. We did the city mostly in a car and then climbed onto a hill (see photo on top). After the hill we dove into pizzas and colas as if they were life-boats. I felt saved and helped and cured. Then we went for coffee.
-
Sunday night we went to see some live jazz, but ended up at salsa-night. All beat and tired, we ended early and went to sleep.
-
Monday I got into town with B, bought a bottle of scotch and left for the airport.
-
Flight to Dublin. Arrived into rain and felt like shit. Nervous, dizzy. I found the bus to Galway and borded it. As the four hour ride neared it's end I felt better. The sun was coming out and I was listening to good music in my iAudio and I could feel quietly optimistic. Still, I couldn't get that I would soon see her.
-
I sank completely as I got off the bus in Galway. I couldn't find my bag in the luggage compartment. Well, couldn't find sounds wrong. It wasn't there. No bags where left after the other people got theirs. So I could coldly conclude that mine was gone. Some knuckle-head, sheit-for-brains, pure evil little pissant took it out of the luggage compartment somwhere during the ride. It fried my brain. Realisation of what I had in it came to me in flashing shocks, like blows to the head. My presents for Her. My glasses and contact lenses. All my clothes, my favourite clothes. My favourite shoes. My house keys. My cellphone-charger. Instead of arriving to a safe home, I found my self being pushed of the plank, panicking.
Luckily, only seconds later She arrived and could take me in her arms, a lot weaker and more vulnerable than I wanted to be. When she held me, I realised that things were already getting better. Those first minutes of panic where past, and I was moving away from them. During the following days I had to face many moments of materialistic anguish, feeling like a part of me had been cut off. Most of the practical problems were solved within 24hrs. I got new lenses, new underwear and a pair of shoes and some tshirts.
In part II i'll tell you how things went with me, the Girl and Time.
-
Came back last night at 1am to Uppsala after what has been a long and complex week.
1st things 1st, and where I went initially was Glasgow, to meet my friends B and I. This here to the left is them, on top of some hill in Edinburgh.-
The first day was a saturday and we went to do some sporting to give the weekend a good start. I put away 2k in the swimming pool while the B knocked some (shuttle-)cocks around. Suitably fit for fight we then hit the town for some bean burgers at bar91.
Then we went back home, chilled with cups o tea, the backbone of brittania. Mr L was arriving during the day, and we made arrangements to meet up later. We took the car to Balfron outside of Glasgow where B was to partake in an event about a Gambian village and the projects of
exchange and development that was underway between it and a Scottish village school. B is involved in a solar project, which is going to install a small solar electric system in the village, providing artificial light, a medical refridgerator and perhaps some additional power for a computer station.The evening was interesting and inspiring for the most part.
-
then we went back to glasgow for the traumatising experience of tumbling down the crabbit hole into B's sister bachelorette party. Six highly intoxicated young women in purple glitter wigs, dancing, shouting, drinking and generally making very little sense. They were nice though, groping aside.
we par-teed at McPhlabbs pub until and beyond closing time, the girls left earlier, but we stayde on for drinks with the barman. In retrospect i feel like the drinks may have been watered down, because I can't understand otherwise how i could still be standing.
Not letting this stop us, we went to "Cantremebere" nicht-club for dancing to the classics like MMMMmmmbop and others. During some confusion when we left, B ordered two Jack and Cokes. Realising he was the only one left inside, he determedly downed both of them and came out to join the rest of us.
-
Sunday, we slept in. Then went to Edinburgh for a daytrip, just walking around in a hazy foggy city. I was feeling weird, carsick or hungover. Coldsweating. We did the city mostly in a car and then climbed onto a hill (see photo on top). After the hill we dove into pizzas and colas as if they were life-boats. I felt saved and helped and cured. Then we went for coffee.
-
Sunday night we went to see some live jazz, but ended up at salsa-night. All beat and tired, we ended early and went to sleep.
-
Monday I got into town with B, bought a bottle of scotch and left for the airport.
-
Flight to Dublin. Arrived into rain and felt like shit. Nervous, dizzy. I found the bus to Galway and borded it. As the four hour ride neared it's end I felt better. The sun was coming out and I was listening to good music in my iAudio and I could feel quietly optimistic. Still, I couldn't get that I would soon see her.-
I sank completely as I got off the bus in Galway. I couldn't find my bag in the luggage compartment. Well, couldn't find sounds wrong. It wasn't there. No bags where left after the other people got theirs. So I could coldly conclude that mine was gone. Some knuckle-head, sheit-for-brains, pure evil little pissant took it out of the luggage compartment somwhere during the ride. It fried my brain. Realisation of what I had in it came to me in flashing shocks, like blows to the head. My presents for Her. My glasses and contact lenses. All my clothes, my favourite clothes. My favourite shoes. My house keys. My cellphone-charger. Instead of arriving to a safe home, I found my self being pushed of the plank, panicking.
Luckily, only seconds later She arrived and could take me in her arms, a lot weaker and more vulnerable than I wanted to be. When she held me, I realised that things were already getting better. Those first minutes of panic where past, and I was moving away from them. During the following days I had to face many moments of materialistic anguish, feeling like a part of me had been cut off. Most of the practical problems were solved within 24hrs. I got new lenses, new underwear and a pair of shoes and some tshirts.
In part II i'll tell you how things went with me, the Girl and Time.
Make it shorter
Hya
Just a quick word to say, hello
I'm in Ireland now, in Galway, in a sunny and warm and unexpected climate.
First night on the island, i took the bus from dublin airport and some f~cker stole my bag off the bus. I hate that person. Because he (statistically) didn't really get Anything of value, to him (except a bottle of single malt), but he robbed me of some of my absolutely favourite clothes, my glasses AND contact lenses, the gifts I brought from sweden (candy and a book) and a pretty good backpack.
A##hole
D#ckhead
So, thats that. I'm fine now, really. This will ebb and flow and perculate for a while until evaporated. I am remedying the practical chaos left in its wake by shopping new stuff in fair trade stores. I have fair shoes.
Being with the girl is heaven. I'm thinking dirty thoughts and then acting on them.
Now, I gotta go. Shop for dinner. Meet up with the sister of the girl and start cooking.
Have a good one til next time..
Just a quick word to say, hello
I'm in Ireland now, in Galway, in a sunny and warm and unexpected climate.
First night on the island, i took the bus from dublin airport and some f~cker stole my bag off the bus. I hate that person. Because he (statistically) didn't really get Anything of value, to him (except a bottle of single malt), but he robbed me of some of my absolutely favourite clothes, my glasses AND contact lenses, the gifts I brought from sweden (candy and a book) and a pretty good backpack.
A##hole
D#ckhead
So, thats that. I'm fine now, really. This will ebb and flow and perculate for a while until evaporated. I am remedying the practical chaos left in its wake by shopping new stuff in fair trade stores. I have fair shoes.
Being with the girl is heaven. I'm thinking dirty thoughts and then acting on them.
Now, I gotta go. Shop for dinner. Meet up with the sister of the girl and start cooking.
Have a good one til next time..
in other words, hold my hand
so, i'll probably go offline for about a week
tonight i'm headin out to scotland, glasgow, to meet see B and meet up with I. There i'll spend the weekend, probably pubin' a bit and maybe buyin a bottle'o'scotch or two. there'll be good times i'm sure.
then, come monday, i am goinga away home. away to ireland, to the woman i want to call home. for the first time in our history we'll get to spend 24 consecutive hours together. up that, we'll actually get to spend around 168 consecutive hours together (that is, if she doesn't get a job, or throw me out). what a scary thing.
here
two people who lived their life
squeezed in between
work
and sleep
and all the little obligations
of everyday
stealing from the account
of respectable hours
from the essence of sleep
here and there
a few moments of
quietly
falling
in
love
with the smell and touch of another person
with another person
and now
nothing to do
but all we ever wanted
how scary is that
i ask
what could be more risky
than getting what you wish for
then hitting what you head for
-
so, yeah, i am shaky
i mean, i know that i cannot know what will happend
but.. really.. mostly.. i just cannot wait to find out
-
and as i said,
prbably offline for a while
don't worry
i'll be back
and nothing will ever be the same
the one thing you can count on
ciao
tonight i'm headin out to scotland, glasgow, to meet see B and meet up with I. There i'll spend the weekend, probably pubin' a bit and maybe buyin a bottle'o'scotch or two. there'll be good times i'm sure.
then, come monday, i am goinga away home. away to ireland, to the woman i want to call home. for the first time in our history we'll get to spend 24 consecutive hours together. up that, we'll actually get to spend around 168 consecutive hours together (that is, if she doesn't get a job, or throw me out). what a scary thing.
here
two people who lived their life
squeezed in between
work
and sleep
and all the little obligations
of everyday
stealing from the account
of respectable hours
from the essence of sleep
here and there
a few moments of
quietly
falling
in
love
with the smell and touch of another person
with another person
and now
nothing to do
but all we ever wanted
how scary is that
i ask
what could be more risky
than getting what you wish for
then hitting what you head for
-
so, yeah, i am shaky
i mean, i know that i cannot know what will happend
but.. really.. mostly.. i just cannot wait to find out
-
and as i said,
prbably offline for a while
don't worry
i'll be back
and nothing will ever be the same
the one thing you can count on
ciao
Carrisa Plains
the decision to go had been taken long ago. it was one of those times when i was thinking my clearest on my feet. in mid-discussion, a dynamic dialogue like a road-trip along new roads in your home county, my answer to what i would do if she left came within a moments reflection.
- i'd have to leave. i'd go to new york.
the statement left me looking out at my future with the sense of having left childhood and innocence. i was sitting in a life-boat made of my only real dream, watching my world sink.
that was 3 years ago. she left only a year later. new york carried me around for a few years, and for a while i thought things were gonna be ok for me. but now i am standing in carrisa, with a gun in my bag, knowing that if someone picks me up and recognises me, i will most likely have to kill them.
- i'd have to leave. i'd go to new york.
the statement left me looking out at my future with the sense of having left childhood and innocence. i was sitting in a life-boat made of my only real dream, watching my world sink.
that was 3 years ago. she left only a year later. new york carried me around for a few years, and for a while i thought things were gonna be ok for me. but now i am standing in carrisa, with a gun in my bag, knowing that if someone picks me up and recognises me, i will most likely have to kill them.
A dry brain
A long dazed journey into night
-
Today is the day after one of Uppsalas biggest parties, the last of April or Valborgsmässoafton (old pagan rituals, burning fires to scare off the witches, I believe). It being so, it is also the day after I got embarrassingly drunk. Like the stupid kid in a candy store I can be around alcohol, I went to far again. Fell asleep far to early, which resulted in me and my mates spending the evening at my place, generally just sobering up and talking.
But that was yesterday. And this is today. I am having gut-wrenching anxiety about the complete idiocy of the thing. I SHOULD know better. I SHOULD've learned by now. But, nooooo. I guess it couldve been worse. The only bad things I did was dance around and talk in a stupid (Borat) voice, shout a bit, and loose my friends train-tickets (which he cleverly stored in a plastic bag containing beer bottles that may or may not have been emptied). I also picked up some useless junk in my drunken cleptomaniacal way: a comb, a bag from with the logo of a swedish magazine, Solo, written on it, and a blood alcohol level of 45 %..
so I am mortally ashamed, my soul feels like its been slapped across the cheek.
-
The day was good however. I was wellbehaved for most of it. We spent it first sitting in the Ekonomikum park, having a Max lunch (best veggie-burger) and some whine. Then we did a little loop-di-loop thing, going into town centre for a coffee and a toilet break, rounding up some of Å(friend who was here)'s friends, returning a few hours back in the park. There we sat down for about 4 hours, just chatting away with her friends, their friends, some italians walking by, someones brother, some spanish people walking by, etc. By the end of this sitting, I had reached some sort of new peak of drunkenness, unheard of before. We decided to pop back home for a pizza dinner and a change before preceeding to a party or barbecue somewhere. Most of this time is rememberd by me in flashes. Stumbling along the sidewalk. Wrapping the picnic blanket around me. By the time we'd had pizza, I went into my room for something and promtly fell asleep. My friends, with big hearts, didn't seem to mind that this state would mean (by my choice) that we wouldn't be going to any barbecue. I tried to usher them away to have fun with the other guys from the park, but the kind gentle creatures stayed on at my place. We ended up just chatting for some 4 more hours, me drinking copious amounts of water to replenish what must've been an almost empty stock.
It was a fantastic day. I met some really nice people. But I still feel soo bad for being such a sponge when it comes to alcohol..
-
Evening is upon me, and I'll just watch simpsons till I fall asleep.
Goodnight.
-
Today is the day after one of Uppsalas biggest parties, the last of April or Valborgsmässoafton (old pagan rituals, burning fires to scare off the witches, I believe). It being so, it is also the day after I got embarrassingly drunk. Like the stupid kid in a candy store I can be around alcohol, I went to far again. Fell asleep far to early, which resulted in me and my mates spending the evening at my place, generally just sobering up and talking.
But that was yesterday. And this is today. I am having gut-wrenching anxiety about the complete idiocy of the thing. I SHOULD know better. I SHOULD've learned by now. But, nooooo. I guess it couldve been worse. The only bad things I did was dance around and talk in a stupid (Borat) voice, shout a bit, and loose my friends train-tickets (which he cleverly stored in a plastic bag containing beer bottles that may or may not have been emptied). I also picked up some useless junk in my drunken cleptomaniacal way: a comb, a bag from with the logo of a swedish magazine, Solo, written on it, and a blood alcohol level of 45 %..
so I am mortally ashamed, my soul feels like its been slapped across the cheek.
-
The day was good however. I was wellbehaved for most of it. We spent it first sitting in the Ekonomikum park, having a Max lunch (best veggie-burger) and some whine. Then we did a little loop-di-loop thing, going into town centre for a coffee and a toilet break, rounding up some of Å(friend who was here)'s friends, returning a few hours back in the park. There we sat down for about 4 hours, just chatting away with her friends, their friends, some italians walking by, someones brother, some spanish people walking by, etc. By the end of this sitting, I had reached some sort of new peak of drunkenness, unheard of before. We decided to pop back home for a pizza dinner and a change before preceeding to a party or barbecue somewhere. Most of this time is rememberd by me in flashes. Stumbling along the sidewalk. Wrapping the picnic blanket around me. By the time we'd had pizza, I went into my room for something and promtly fell asleep. My friends, with big hearts, didn't seem to mind that this state would mean (by my choice) that we wouldn't be going to any barbecue. I tried to usher them away to have fun with the other guys from the park, but the kind gentle creatures stayed on at my place. We ended up just chatting for some 4 more hours, me drinking copious amounts of water to replenish what must've been an almost empty stock.
It was a fantastic day. I met some really nice people. But I still feel soo bad for being such a sponge when it comes to alcohol..
-
Evening is upon me, and I'll just watch simpsons till I fall asleep.
Goodnight.
Startling new news and amazing revelations
Lately, i feel i've been a bit whining and stuff. Partly on the blog, and surely also in emails, and IRL. Well, let's put that crap behind us shall we.
I'm working alot, yes, but only because I really want to. I mean, I want to learn a bunch of crap about these solar cells and stuff, so I'll be able to answer any questions any time, and so I'll hold this project in my hands with questions in my head as to where I want to take it. Generellay if you feel pulled by the nose, you can either pick up pace or grab a bolt cutter and emacipate yourself. Right now, I have no desire to be free from this, but I want to be free IN what I am doing. In control. Hey, I guess even IN POWER. And I'm getting there. And it is interesting. And I hope this doesn't also sound like complaining.
So. Summer is ever closer. Gaaaawd that feels nice! Dun'iit? As I may have mentioned I am totally caught in fierce reveries related to recreations this summer. Ireland trip in two weeks. Norway trip later. And a bike-camp with KD and ED around the High Coast. And as much as I daydream about the trips themselves and the Great Times with Great Friends, I have also slipped into quite a bit of what we in sweden call "prylbögeri" (i.e. materialism directed towards necessary or unnecessary gadgets of considerable price). I want new Climatech® Heavy Mp pants, new Polartec® Power Stretch® jersey, new Techno Trail® Cooking kit, new foldable knife... needless to say, all of it completely necessary and reasonably priced. Oh, and a new small backpack.
--
Missing my girlfriend is less exhilerating and more painful these days. At first it was ok, I could sit around and think about her and really just smile. But as time goes by, I wish more and more that I could see her. And I guess, now I shouldn't complain since it's only two weeks till i drop in on her in Eire.
--
Well. Heh. Im happy, really I am.. Yeahh.
I'm working alot, yes, but only because I really want to. I mean, I want to learn a bunch of crap about these solar cells and stuff, so I'll be able to answer any questions any time, and so I'll hold this project in my hands with questions in my head as to where I want to take it. Generellay if you feel pulled by the nose, you can either pick up pace or grab a bolt cutter and emacipate yourself. Right now, I have no desire to be free from this, but I want to be free IN what I am doing. In control. Hey, I guess even IN POWER. And I'm getting there. And it is interesting. And I hope this doesn't also sound like complaining.
So. Summer is ever closer. Gaaaawd that feels nice! Dun'iit? As I may have mentioned I am totally caught in fierce reveries related to recreations this summer. Ireland trip in two weeks. Norway trip later. And a bike-camp with KD and ED around the High Coast. And as much as I daydream about the trips themselves and the Great Times with Great Friends, I have also slipped into quite a bit of what we in sweden call "prylbögeri" (i.e. materialism directed towards necessary or unnecessary gadgets of considerable price). I want new Climatech® Heavy Mp pants, new Polartec® Power Stretch® jersey, new Techno Trail® Cooking kit, new foldable knife... needless to say, all of it completely necessary and reasonably priced. Oh, and a new small backpack.
--
Missing my girlfriend is less exhilerating and more painful these days. At first it was ok, I could sit around and think about her and really just smile. But as time goes by, I wish more and more that I could see her. And I guess, now I shouldn't complain since it's only two weeks till i drop in on her in Eire.
--
Well. Heh. Im happy, really I am.. Yeahh.
Do you like to watch?
So, in my pursuit, my poursuite, of happines and integrity I am looking around for the optimal web-base photo-sharing community/site/thingy... (Any tips accepted with grinning teeth and crooked eyebrows..).
Added four of my test sites to the links on the side. All the site have been awarded with different pics, mostly old but many unpublished. Pleas give me any feedback you can think of, both for the photos as well as for the sites and their maneuverability, look, feel, anything..
And to the avid readers and my friends, I know you've all been wondering about this woman/goddess that I have ben (ben? who's ben? oh.. been.. noted 2006-04-21) graced with, so I recommend you go to the DropShots account and check out the two photos from the 12/4, depicting said beauty.
Word. Mout.
Added four of my test sites to the links on the side. All the site have been awarded with different pics, mostly old but many unpublished. Pleas give me any feedback you can think of, both for the photos as well as for the sites and their maneuverability, look, feel, anything..
And to the avid readers and my friends, I know you've all been wondering about this woman/goddess that I have ben (ben? who's ben? oh.. been.. noted 2006-04-21) graced with, so I recommend you go to the DropShots account and check out the two photos from the 12/4, depicting said beauty.
Word. Mout.
Another Ani Song
He says he loves her
He says he's changing
And he can keep her warm
And so she sits there like america
Suffering through slow reform
But she'll never get back the time
And the years sneak by
One by one
She is still playing the martyr
I am still praying for revloution
And she still doesn't have what she deserves
But she wakes up smiling every day
She never really expected more
That's just not the way we are raised
And i say to her,
You know,
There's plenty of really great men out there
But she doesn't hear me
She's looking in the mirror
She's fixing her hair
I have to turn away from this terrible drug
I had a bit of a confrontation with my self last night. You see, I was in a situation where everything was right, I mean that all known factors and were beneficial, and yet at what I felt should've been the peak and culmination of a great evening I turned a corner into complete darkness. Clarification: Right after work I met up with some friends, possibly the best, most intimate and kind friends I have here in Uppsala, and we settled in the semi-warming afternoon sun for the years first barbecue. A great meal was ingested. Laughter, smiles and all the kind words were exchanged. The chilling breath of evening ushered us inside and we kept on. Coffee and TV and videogame and guitar and back rub and more of the joking and the laughter. Hours later, I was sitting on the couch feeling completely alone and weird. I lost foothold, and instead of sliding or tripping it meant a stumble into a nothingness. A fall into a bottomless pit. No landing, no wind rushing past. Just empty, dark and quiet
In the dark I sat for a while, bewildered. What had happened. Why was I there, and everyone else outside. And then I felt a familiar breath on my neck. A monster from years past exhaling through fangs of ivory. Not far had I moved. Not far enough from the places I'd been, to escape this monster. But lessons learned are lessons learned. I rose, turned around to face the beast, and backed calmly out the door. I rode my bike through a trembling night home, the beast left sitting on a couch in my friends aparment.
In the dark I sat for a while, bewildered. What had happened. Why was I there, and everyone else outside. And then I felt a familiar breath on my neck. A monster from years past exhaling through fangs of ivory. Not far had I moved. Not far enough from the places I'd been, to escape this monster. But lessons learned are lessons learned. I rose, turned around to face the beast, and backed calmly out the door. I rode my bike through a trembling night home, the beast left sitting on a couch in my friends aparment.
The boy who cried stress
A week ago since last posted.
-
I know a million things are supposed to happend. But I have the Fear, and I want to run a way. It's the way we humans are built, you know. Fight or flight, that is our choice of reactions to any situation. Any situation that is not a simple and habitual chewing of cud. I like the way someone said that the predator without natural enemies would compartmentalise his world. If it moves - it's food. If it doesn't - it's a rock. Well, I am no predator and I feel like I'm surrounded by enemies and natural disaster. Where to run; into the forest fire, or towards the wolves.
I sink down next to a cool and comforting wall. Rock. Rock. Rock.
"It's always like this', he tells himself. 'The Fear and then a rush of Courage and the clean sweet feeling of being born'. He'd read that somewhere in an old western. But the Fear can go on and on until you can't stand it. It's going to break you, and that's when the Fear breaks. You hope." -BurroughsDays seem to pass at an alarming rate. At least when I regard work. Always it becomes harder to actually achieve the goals set for this day, this week. Instead, a headache of guilt and stress settles in my cranium. I see days pass, deadlines approaching like so many brick walls, and all I manage to do is hide in my dreams. The more I need to focus, the less I do. My head is in summer, in norway, on Eire. My arms are paddling water, walking a stick, pulling someone close enough to smell. My hands, my eyes, my nose; all are off on some separate and elusive adventure, leaving only a lonely heart to bear the load of every day life. My stomach tries to help, but only shrivels up and accumulates acids. I need an injection of Now. A realisation of Presence. A shot of adrenaline to the heart, once an hour, to burn me through all these papers, tapdance my fingers through this report.
-
"It suddenly occured to him that he was going to die. Not sooner or later, he knew that of course, but tonight."-
I know a million things are supposed to happend. But I have the Fear, and I want to run a way. It's the way we humans are built, you know. Fight or flight, that is our choice of reactions to any situation. Any situation that is not a simple and habitual chewing of cud. I like the way someone said that the predator without natural enemies would compartmentalise his world. If it moves - it's food. If it doesn't - it's a rock. Well, I am no predator and I feel like I'm surrounded by enemies and natural disaster. Where to run; into the forest fire, or towards the wolves.
I sink down next to a cool and comforting wall. Rock. Rock. Rock.
Beeefcake!
Well, I'll just let my guard down here for a second and say that
I wish she would just call
I wish she would just call
Lately I'm listening an obscene amount to
I wish she would just call
I wish she would just call
Lately I'm listening an obscene amount to
Diane Cluck:
"And red ants are moving with their sick and withered comrades
They carry the bodies of the withered in their mouths
Because it is no big deal
Hey, what else is there to do
But set your sight on something and pull your tangles through
Oh I would have gone crooked but for you
-
Hey I feel steady and I feel good
Light and emptied of last night's food
Theres a mountain ahead
When I'm ready to go up from the edge of the turnaround road"
How to jump the Grand Canyon with an office chair
Yesterday my lady left the country for the Isle of Green, Eire. I'm stupid enough not to get what's happening yet, and so I am still not on the floor, crying. Maybe I wont be. Maybe now, I've suffered through thtat, grown past it, matured. I mean, I realise she's far away, and I wont' see her for a while, but that still is eclipsed by the glowing light of happiness that it is to even know her. To have kissed her. To have held her.
It's scary nonetheless, these months ahead, being forced to face the ever present fact that no one, ever, really can say what's going to be in the future. Something you easily forget when the days are linked like a chain and not separated by a Grand Canyon of Time. I know things will change during this time. I know we both will. But I have no idea what that will mean for our relation. For the chemistry of combustion between us. Was the abyss of her leaving a catalyst to our Love. Or was it an inhibitor. Will things burn brighter next time we mix. Will they simply separate, like oil and vinegar.
"it may look like I'm brooding
not getting much done
but, oh, there is a cure here
the light is very pure here"
It's scary nonetheless, these months ahead, being forced to face the ever present fact that no one, ever, really can say what's going to be in the future. Something you easily forget when the days are linked like a chain and not separated by a Grand Canyon of Time. I know things will change during this time. I know we both will. But I have no idea what that will mean for our relation. For the chemistry of combustion between us. Was the abyss of her leaving a catalyst to our Love. Or was it an inhibitor. Will things burn brighter next time we mix. Will they simply separate, like oil and vinegar.
"it may look like I'm brooding
not getting much done
but, oh, there is a cure here
the light is very pure here"
musings in the morning glory
Waking up
the feeling of emptyness and distance is still with me
it's like my own stomach is rebelling against me
against any sense really
so I need to do something
I turn on the cdplayer
flip to a track I know well
turn the volume well up
and let it echo across the white bare walls of my apartment
so comes the relief of emotion
flood gates open
realisation that what I need is sensitation
sensitation to anything, to everything around me
everything that can become clouded over by dark thoughts
bad self esteem
all these roads I've been down too many times
to have any excuse to go back there
I need a boost
a voice that lifts my chin
and lets me see the light that comes through
reflecting brightness on a virgin cover of snow
So even though my plants are dying
euthanasia
and my things are scattered as if by a smart bomb gone stupid hit my living room
erupted
tossing cds, tshirts, socks, bills, books, cords, newspapers
in all directions
And maybe it's hard
but there's always a choice
what to accept as a mood
and what not to let enter into your mind and take over
I have a million things to enjoy today
can't keep this up
the only thing is i miss the only thing i don't have within arms length
it's strange how someone so quickly can find a place in your life
so naturally
that their absence leaves behind a void
a space only they can fill
-
ah! no more of this brooding and rambling. time for breakfast!
the feeling of emptyness and distance is still with me
it's like my own stomach is rebelling against me
against any sense really
so I need to do something
I turn on the cdplayer
flip to a track I know well
turn the volume well up
and let it echo across the white bare walls of my apartment
so comes the relief of emotion
flood gates open
realisation that what I need is sensitation
sensitation to anything, to everything around me
everything that can become clouded over by dark thoughts
bad self esteem
all these roads I've been down too many times
to have any excuse to go back there
I need a boost
a voice that lifts my chin
and lets me see the light that comes through
reflecting brightness on a virgin cover of snow
So even though my plants are dying
euthanasia
and my things are scattered as if by a smart bomb gone stupid hit my living room
erupted
tossing cds, tshirts, socks, bills, books, cords, newspapers
in all directions
And maybe it's hard
but there's always a choice
what to accept as a mood
and what not to let enter into your mind and take over
I have a million things to enjoy today
can't keep this up
the only thing is i miss the only thing i don't have within arms length
it's strange how someone so quickly can find a place in your life
so naturally
that their absence leaves behind a void
a space only they can fill
-
ah! no more of this brooding and rambling. time for breakfast!
I had so much to say and when i finally had a chance to say it i stood there silent like a dumb m*therf*cker
Right now, it's 1:30 in the morning. I am a bit lonely, tired and out of juice. Lately, I've not had time over to read blogs, write in my blog, read books, write, well not a whole lot of stuff I guess. And the quonundrum is that a bunch of write-worthy stuff has been happening, such as the UN-employee that fell asleep in the irish pub, the first snowboard 180° in 4 years, my new camera, the brick wall ahead with my best shot at a great relationship in .. well.. Its great, let's leave it at that.
Too tired. Next week I'll be going to Oslo.
Some lines through my head lately.
"Les absents ont toujours tort"
"Somewhere between devotion and indifference"
"Querer asi
Yo no soy capaz"
"I try to stay awake
but it's 58 hours since that I last slept with you"
Too tired. Next week I'll be going to Oslo.
Some lines through my head lately.
"Les absents ont toujours tort"
"Somewhere between devotion and indifference"
"Querer asi
Yo no soy capaz"
"I try to stay awake
but it's 58 hours since that I last slept with you"
Steal. Copy. Imitate.
I read this on http://ignoremi.blogspot.com/, but since I could'nt find a proper way to link to it, I just copy-pasted. Feel free to ignore this post.
--->
--->
"Read this on Xin Le's blog. Seems like those emails you forward to others. Have a read anyway.
Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.
1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade."Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the RainOne night, at11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance, and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely,Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked."Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it."Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient."Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.The little boy again counted his coins."I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
bittersweet
Coffee is such a fascinating thing
I mean, I like coffee
and I love expresso
or mocca coffee
but unlike a lot of slightly pedantic people
I would never say that I can only drink espresso
or that coffee should only be drunk black as night
instead
I find
that coffee is such a beautiful thing thanks to all the variations
hot swedish coffee from a thermos with a cheese limpa sandwich on a sunny, snowy slope
a mocca with a lot of warm milk and lots of sugar, in the morning with a sweet cake
an afternoon espresso, one sugar, drunk in one or two mouths
machine coffee, with all it's faults, offering a still moment of contemplation and movement
even instant coffee, to lazy for a pot when I am only one person, has its own charm
like today
when I am at home sick, just waiting for the day to reach a certain point when I have to leave
-
I mean, I like coffee
and I love expresso
or mocca coffee
but unlike a lot of slightly pedantic people
I would never say that I can only drink espresso
or that coffee should only be drunk black as night
instead
I find
that coffee is such a beautiful thing thanks to all the variations
hot swedish coffee from a thermos with a cheese limpa sandwich on a sunny, snowy slope
a mocca with a lot of warm milk and lots of sugar, in the morning with a sweet cake
an afternoon espresso, one sugar, drunk in one or two mouths
machine coffee, with all it's faults, offering a still moment of contemplation and movement
even instant coffee, to lazy for a pot when I am only one person, has its own charm
like today
when I am at home sick, just waiting for the day to reach a certain point when I have to leave
-
Infection
Cups of tea
vitamin C
days worth nothing pass by
no one calls
i've been watching some bad comedy to pass time
Anchorman - bad
The Incredibles - so-so
American Pie presents Band Camp - sucked immensly
tried to play some guitar, but i just get annoyed at the bad sounding Yamaha
i used to think such a thing to be a tragedy
but i would actually have more fun going to work
then i guess, not in this state, when nothing is really any fun
my head hurts slightly, i feel winded, warm, my joints ache
thinking is hard, i can't concentrate
all i want is to sleep, but somehow also to stupidly enjoy this time, watching movies etc.
doesn't work
will go work tomorrow, no matter
got to prepare for next week, giving a talk
today, at least something positive
a mailman forced a package through the mail slot
containing three cds
one of them in a broken cover
ungently handled during shipping
The White Birch . Star is just a sun
Mi and L'Au . Mi and L'Au
Regina Spektor . Soviet Kitsch
just realised the white birch song i so love, satellite, is not on the cd
bugger, but well, it seems good enough anyway
take care
see ya
vitamin C
days worth nothing pass by
no one calls
i've been watching some bad comedy to pass time
Anchorman - bad
The Incredibles - so-so
American Pie presents Band Camp - sucked immensly
tried to play some guitar, but i just get annoyed at the bad sounding Yamaha
i used to think such a thing to be a tragedy
but i would actually have more fun going to work
then i guess, not in this state, when nothing is really any fun
my head hurts slightly, i feel winded, warm, my joints ache
thinking is hard, i can't concentrate
all i want is to sleep, but somehow also to stupidly enjoy this time, watching movies etc.
doesn't work
will go work tomorrow, no matter
got to prepare for next week, giving a talk
today, at least something positive
a mailman forced a package through the mail slot
containing three cds
one of them in a broken cover
ungently handled during shipping
The White Birch . Star is just a sun
Mi and L'Au . Mi and L'Au
Regina Spektor . Soviet Kitsch
just realised the white birch song i so love, satellite, is not on the cd
bugger, but well, it seems good enough anyway
take care
see ya
Duritz
We spend all day getting sober
just hiding from daylight
watching tv
just look a lot better in the blue light
-
i am color blind
coffee black
and egg white
pull me out from inside
i am ready
i am fine
-
we couldn't all be cowboys
so some of us are clowns
A long days journey into night
oboy. if i could write a title like that, i'd be a happy man.
but, wait. i Am a happy man. (albeit, hungover, mortally tired, raspy in the throat,...)
does that mean i can write that title.
-
it's such a great title. i feel likt that's all this day will be. a slow move, a slow motion sequence from a film. watching "this life", an old bbc series. effing amazing. real. good drama. great acting.
-
-
and the light of day is passing by without me. but not unnoticed. it looks like a beautiful day. but people like me stay in. watching tv. feeling better. eating yesterdays crisps, drinking yesterdays cola.
and people like my girlfriend work all day. taking care of people who can't take care of themselves.
who are the people who deal with these days. make them go past. what am i talking about?
-
lunch is looking like a good idea. but then again. the couch is very comfy, and i think i have an episode or two left on the disc.
i thoroughly enjoy this kind of day. except for the feeling that i could've done more with it. this constant pressure of maximising. never wasting a sinlge hour. a single minute. so much i could've done today. and yet, all i look forward to is to go to bed. to sleep. perchance to dream. my dreams have been weird and real lately, so that's an adventure.
-
but, wait. i Am a happy man. (albeit, hungover, mortally tired, raspy in the throat,...)
does that mean i can write that title.
-
it's such a great title. i feel likt that's all this day will be. a slow move, a slow motion sequence from a film. watching "this life", an old bbc series. effing amazing. real. good drama. great acting.
-
'I did not regularly watch This Life, but I caught the final episode and was appalled at the drugs, booze and worst of all, simulated sex between homosexuals... We should complain more often and perhaps our comments would have some weight in preventing such trash being shown.' :Daily Mail
-
and the light of day is passing by without me. but not unnoticed. it looks like a beautiful day. but people like me stay in. watching tv. feeling better. eating yesterdays crisps, drinking yesterdays cola.
and people like my girlfriend work all day. taking care of people who can't take care of themselves.
who are the people who deal with these days. make them go past. what am i talking about?
-
lunch is looking like a good idea. but then again. the couch is very comfy, and i think i have an episode or two left on the disc.
i thoroughly enjoy this kind of day. except for the feeling that i could've done more with it. this constant pressure of maximising. never wasting a sinlge hour. a single minute. so much i could've done today. and yet, all i look forward to is to go to bed. to sleep. perchance to dream. my dreams have been weird and real lately, so that's an adventure.
-
Cufflinks and hub caps/Trofees and paper backs
In spite of the morning post, todays song is Soldier's things by Tom Waits. His lisp scratches my heartstrings like a two-day beard growth.
Does it sting your face to run in the snowstorm
I just handed in the lab hand-in assignment that I have struggled with this week. Or the Hand In Ass, as I like to call it. It was a bitch, but being a phd student just changes your perspective immensly on studying (well, mine anyway), making it so much easier since I'm doing relevant things. Things I want to learn and want to understand, and know WHY I am learning.
I feel a slight cold approaching, but that's what you get (I get.. again with the pronouns..) for swapping saliva with sick people. Was it worth it? Does a cat's lips move when it reads? Yes, it was entirely, profoundly worth it.
Have worked a lot this week so today I am going home early. Picking up my snowboard in town, and then home for some house-cleaning, relocation of furniture, wash-day ("nothing clean, right?"). and some planning for tomorrow, and then, depending on my state of coldness etc. either an early night or something spontaneous.
I feel a slight cold approaching, but that's what you get (I get.. again with the pronouns..) for swapping saliva with sick people. Was it worth it? Does a cat's lips move when it reads? Yes, it was entirely, profoundly worth it.
Have worked a lot this week so today I am going home early. Picking up my snowboard in town, and then home for some house-cleaning, relocation of furniture, wash-day ("nothing clean, right?"). and some planning for tomorrow, and then, depending on my state of coldness etc. either an early night or something spontaneous.
"That's not the electric light my friend
That is your vision growing dim"
Wondering
two years ago
before you felt so familiar
before i could remember
your last name
i remember now
how our bright spring green deepened
with the years the seasons changed
and we were lush as the underside of august
the streets looked like water
they swelled and they shimmered
and they stretch like the sea
and dressed in my best shining skin
and my squinty eyes
i put the miles behind me
and it took us so long to get here
you gotta write between lines
you gotta read between the years
and fleetingly we see ourselves pass
driving a good thing
and wondering how long can it last
-difranco
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