Got up today, as I do most days, and didn't really have any idea what was going to change. I guess that's true for most days, but anyway. I worked, hard mind you, all day and didn't get off until later than expected. Late for a party I was going to, so I took a light dinner (a bowl of "fil" (a swedish, youghurt-like soured milk product - delicious and nutricious but hardly a meal)) while roaming the apartment in a haunted way. I knew I was going to meet someone at the party, and I wasn't really sure what that would feel like or what I would say. Half scared that I would be hit by a jolt of something at the sight of E, and half scared of what I was going to say to her.
Not without a sting of disappointment, nothing stirred. I liked to see her again, but even there, with her in front of me, there was no doubt in my mind. I have fallen for the other One, aka Ms. Big, aka H. I like her so much it scares me. Thinking about is scares me because it makes me see just how hurt I could get.
So I was weird, I guess. I was distant and stand-offish. And then, after I while I summoned enough cojones to tell her straight up what was going on. I told her how I liked her, but that my heart was occupied (read: the Gasa strip) by another and that even if I would go with her, there would just so clearly be trouble because of this. And I told her how I was selfish friday night when I had briefly summarised my situation as "complicated" and didn't want to talk about it for it would've ruined the moment. No poo it would have, telling her there was a ms. Big in the closet.
And the simple truth is that even if, which wasn't the case, she had been comparably compelling and sweet, H has a 6 month or so head start. Better the angel you know.
So now it just remains to see what happends. Will H bring it? Ok, I don't know what that means really, I'm way too tired for coherence. Wathcing south park.
Oh, actually the point I was aiming for in the beginning of this post was that I am so in awe of both the girls involved. I am so glad that the honesty that I think I've .. used, shown?. has been met by great understanding. It's very reassuring that honest communication actually is appreciated. (on that note, remind me to stop listening to the advice of my roomate, saying things like "don't close any doors" and "don't tell her about this and that"). I will continue to be honest and avoid playing games on people, even if that costs me a few relationships.
Ok, I am rambling, not making snsse..
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gotta ssleeep ssssleep. zzzzz z.z zz
