Off my chest

In the words of a great musical poet, Adam Duritz

It's 4:30 am on a Tuesday
It doesn't get much worse than this

But, here, it's only 2:54 and I guess things could be worse.

I 've just walked home from Her house for the last time. Which also, doesn't really mean anything, since we've said goodbye so many times now, I don't keep count. But this time we didn't say goodbye. We said goodbye last tuesday night, and this was just my personal deal with the devil, to give me one last dream before I let go. Things have just gotten so tangled up that there are now ends to grip, no room to pull. She's the kind of Girl you never forget, never leave behind. I love her and she'll be in my life for a long time, but I need to move on, or I'll get really stuck.

You're trying hard to figure out
Just exactly how you feel
Before you end up parked and sobbing
Forehead on the steering wheel

I am very sick of things always being this difficult. I meet these amazing girls, but then there's always something that makes it not work... Well, I'm not gonna lay down and die. Not stay home and sulk. What I am looking for is to feel good. And I guess there's plenty of opportunity for me to move on. Time to see how those smoking bridges hold..

And that being said, I'll leave you with a EBTG song...

I don't wanna feel this way...
I don't wanna feel this way...

I don't wanna feel this way,
Won't somebody take away this feeling.

I'm looking at an open sky,
It's like my roof has got no ceiling.

It's wrong to feel this way,
I know it's wrong, I know it's bad
To only see what isn't there,
To want and want and never have.
But you know there's more to me now, don't you?
You'll always cover for me, won't you?
Won't you?

And this used to look half-full,
Now some days it looks half-empty.
And some days it feels like nothing,
It always used to feel like plenty..

No solids on sundays

Hrmpf.. yepp another hung over sunday. Nothing extreme, and not even in balance with the amount of fun I had yesterday. In other words, I had a great time and was only moderately destroyed today.
Was at a collegues christmas party. At first there was the usual tension of being around all new people, but after a while I started to get warm in my clothes, and as soon as I made the genius decision to seize a seat on the couch everything went swimmingly. Talked to a bunch of strangers and felt generally very good. the girl who was sitting next to me on the couch was in fashion and advertising and a good laugh. I like people with a profound sense for irony and an understanding for the game that makes convesation an exploration. Make sense?

And then, by the time I started to make my way home, the snow had piled itself to a 10cm high, cold obstacle not intended for my sweet blue adidas. It was beautiful, sounds muffled, and only people passing real close could've heard me mumbling nonsensical spanish, practising a mexican accent. I was well plastered. But that being said, I was far from the one who had looked deepest into the bottle that night. Some were throwing up in the bedroom. Some were having trouble focusing, keeping eye contact. It's sad, now that I see it in words, but there was a very good vibe accompanied with the amount of alcohol consumed. People were happy, talkative. Friendly. Huggy.

And so, today I've played computer games, watched movies, south park and had coffee, tea, toast, vörtlimpa and the usual stuff. Very little contact with the World. A feelgood kind of day.

But there was also a hole in this day. A sunday tradition that never got honoured. Had I not been so tired, perhaps I'd have had a look into those very favourite eyes, but instead there was only a voice on the phone.

ok, I'll leave you with that for now. chow.

Quizx

I took a quick test.. results seem more or less accurate but then again the questions were rather transparent...
Now, to work.. on a sattyday.. but "work hard, play hard, that's my motto"

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	High
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Yokata

So, where was I?

You think you're just gonna turn a leaf and things will change, and stay changed. But f*ck, nothing ever really changes. Except the weather. Which can make or break your day.

So I guess, there's no need to bother. Don't knock yourself bloody trying to solve problems, cuz there'll always be problems.

Actually, forget it. I have no new insights. I am just really confused at the moment. A night ago I felt like dying. Like I was dying, or maybe wanted to be dying. I haven't felt so out of breath for as long as I can remeber. And still it was one of the best nights can recall. It was a long dark corridor of reality, and I could never have gotten through it alone. Without someone else, what's the point of any experience. If a tree falls in the woods, and only one person is there to hear it, what's the point of it making a sound? It will still be lost in time, like tears in rain.

-
http://www.mycathatesyou.com/cats/2005/12/13

--

And she whispers that everything not only will be, but is, ok

i didn't really notice
when everything else disappeared
but as far as i'm concerned
if it isn't her
it isn't here

I left my heart in my other pants

Got up today, as I do most days, and didn't really have any idea what was going to change. I guess that's true for most days, but anyway. I worked, hard mind you, all day and didn't get off until later than expected. Late for a party I was going to, so I took a light dinner (a bowl of "fil" (a swedish, youghurt-like soured milk product - delicious and nutricious but hardly a meal)) while roaming the apartment in a haunted way. I knew I was going to meet someone at the party, and I wasn't really sure what that would feel like or what I would say. Half scared that I would be hit by a jolt of something at the sight of E, and half scared of what I was going to say to her.
Not without a sting of disappointment, nothing stirred. I liked to see her again, but even there, with her in front of me, there was no doubt in my mind. I have fallen for the other One, aka Ms. Big, aka H. I like her so much it scares me. Thinking about is scares me because it makes me see just how hurt I could get.
So I was weird, I guess. I was distant and stand-offish. And then, after I while I summoned enough cojones to tell her straight up what was going on. I told her how I liked her, but that my heart was occupied (read: the Gasa strip) by another and that even if I would go with her, there would just so clearly be trouble because of this. And I told her how I was selfish friday night when I had briefly summarised my situation as "complicated" and didn't want to talk about it for it would've ruined the moment. No poo it would have, telling her there was a ms. Big in the closet.
And the simple truth is that even if, which wasn't the case, she had been comparably compelling and sweet, H has a 6 month or so head start. Better the angel you know.

So now it just remains to see what happends. Will H bring it? Ok, I don't know what that means really, I'm way too tired for coherence. Wathcing south park.

Oh, actually the point I was aiming for in the beginning of this post was that I am so in awe of both the girls involved. I am so glad that the honesty that I think I've .. used, shown?. has been met by great understanding. It's very reassuring that honest communication actually is appreciated. (on that note, remind me to stop listening to the advice of my roomate, saying things like "don't close any doors" and "don't tell her about this and that"). I will continue to be honest and avoid playing games on people, even if that costs me a few relationships.

Ok, I am rambling, not making snsse..

---
gotta ssleeep ssssleep. zzzzz z.z zz

Som man bäddar

Nej, jag ville aldrig att det skulle bli så här. Jag ville att allt skulle vara enkelt, soligt och varmt. Och utan tvekan. Men tvekan var där hela tiden. För alla gånger jag sagt att hon är den bästa jag träffat har jag fått höra att det aldrig kommer att gå. Från henne har jag fått höra att det nog var bäst att gå vidare. (vill bara passa på att tacka mina två kompisar som faktiskt stöttat mig 100% i min romantiska idé att jag skulle få vara med henne, tack L och T). Tills jag en dag till slut lyssnar, stänger dörrarna till den del av mig som bara vill ligga hemma och krama gamla brev, minnas gamla sms, drömma om gamla drömmar. Och går vidare. Ett litet steg, och broarna bakom mig börjar lukta bensin. En svavellukt av tändstickor och jag vet verkligen inte om det är jag eller någon annan som hotar att förstöra allt.
Hur många gånger kan man börja gråta av att koka gröt? Varför är det helt plötsligt olidligt att hacka äppelbitar i filen?
Det här är så orättvist. Så förutsett ("så fort hon hör att du hånglat med nån annan kommer hon att vilja ha dig tillbaka"). Så osäkert.
Men nu står jag här, och om inte du tar den smärta som krävs för att släcka tändstickan mellan dina fingertoppar, kommer jag snart att tappa den. För jag vågar inte röra mig. Jag vågar bara röra dig.

Så jag skjuter ett brev under din dörr. Skriver ett annat till hela världen. Och försöker stänga dörrrarna som egentligen bara du kan öppna.

Money where my mouth is

If you're feeling in control, you're not dating enough people.

I went out last night, and I guess I was kind of hoping to see this girl from a party a few weeks ago. She had said she would be there this night, and so I carried that little hope in the lining of my coat. Happily I observed the following
1. She was there
2. She still seemed nice
3. She was seated across from me during dinner
4. She was .. flirting, wasn't she?
5. Wait.. is she flirting with me, the guy to her right, or the girl to her left?..
6. The girl next to me is a psychotic, moody, €%&"!
7. She really is showing interest
8. She comes and sits right next to me
9. We talk all night, people point and smile
10. Friend call us over, luring the both of us into a cleverly set trap made from mistle toe
11. We comply, after all it is tradition
12. We comply some more, in a very untraditional like way
13. We keep talking all night
14. Everyone goes to the afterpary
15. We talk in a corner
16. Everybody start to leave and we are the last to realise the party is over and we are being gently kicked out by the hostess

So, that's all good and fine. Great even. Yet again, it seems my fantasies solidify before my eyes. Dangerously though, as the isolatedness of a fantasy is a prerequisite for its exquisiteness. Now, suddenly real, the consequences are coming crashing down around this fantasy and life is complicated further. Outside it's 10 below and no one can survive for long.
But I realise, my complaints are bullshit in a way. My diamond shoes are too tight, my wallet's too big for my $50's... and so on.
I am glad I met this girl, that I had this night to feel good, really good. What I've done to deserve all this I cannot say, but then again, somewhere down the road, the gifts often seem to turn to puzzles, problems, pitfalls.
--

onthedumpsterinthealleybymyhouse

'as you might be noticing: new look to the page! yes, it was finally time to freshen up, I guess. the content however will remain the same moldy comments and bitter observations, because let's face it.. improving the exterior is the only way to go these days, idnit? And at the same time I am reverting to an old pseudonym, a homage to the Babe

Current musical enjoyment
- Diane Cluck: Oh Vanille (thank you Wooliton!)
- Rufus Wainwright: Rufus Wainwright
- Nick Cave: the boatman's call
-Ani difranco: Evolve (listening to Serpentine right now:

"and that knife you stuck in my back is still there
it pinches a little when i sigh and moan
and these days i'm thinkin i could just as soon use
the time alone
---
and behold
those that try to expose the reality
who really try to realize democracy
are shot with rubber bullets and gassed off the streets
while the global power brokers are kept clean and discrete
behind a wall
behind a moat
and that is all
that's all she wrote
---
and i always got the feeling
you just liked to hear it fall

off your tongue

but i remember my name

in your mouth
and i don't think i was done
hearing it close to my ear
on a whisper's way to a moan "

-
This season is keeping me ridiculously tired. My eyes are red as if I was smoking dope all nacht but I really am not. And my nose seems to have gotten stuck in a moment it can't get out of, seeing as I have been snotty for about a year now. And I sneeze a lot. Oh.. oh.. yeah.. you didn't really want to..? No, I guess it wasnt all that interesting, but there you go, that's how tired I am.
-
Thinking about the broken heart situation is really like that metaphorical wound, that you can't keep from scratching and, because of that, wont heal. I feel that, if I could just be completetly absorbed by something for a while now, I would feel better later. Put some distance between me and now.

"you said you needed time
well
you had time"

"I am a party
and she is a school night"

På svenska

sorry if you're not suecophonic... this was a comment by me to Soulfighters blog

---
one: du skriver fortfarande så bra så man blir lite svag

two: visst är det så. man ser, en bit fram på stigen, hur man kommer att traska in i en betongvägg. det är inte ens särskilt övertygande målat, färgen flagnar, och himlen har inte rätt blåfärg. men stannar man? nej. saktar man ens ner på sin naiva promenad? nej, man ler bara och letar frånvarande efter plåster i fickan. för vem vet? kanske är det inte målat på betong.. kanske är det målat på japanskt papper, och man kommer att ramla rakt in i ett en kärlek man inte ens visste fanns.

tre: det svåra med att släppa taget. man kan bli hur lycklig som helst, i en föreställd framtid, med någon man (tydligen) egentligen inte känner så väl som man tror. och det är den drömmen som är så bitterljuv att gå och lägga sig med. som smakar så gott på kvällen. men som gör det så svårt att resa sig ur värmen på morgonen. att öppna ögonen i mörkret.

Drunk on boredom

I wish I was staying up late. For partying. But it's been a really busy week. All work and no play makes me a hungry boy. I had to prepare for some meeting regarding the context of my work, and then there was the Application and The Plan to fill in, i.e. make up some nice story about what I am supposed to do here and how great it will be for the world and all mankind. Kind of random, but good to be getting the proverbial kick in the behind, getting started a little more concretely.
Tonight (now) in the lab for some process work. Going back and forth between this hunk of junk and "The Laser", which incidently is the laser - I just like to make the Dr.Evil joke every time.

Then it's back to my place for some economics. Balancing the account for the Photo Association. And some general meddling and communication on it's behalf.

Then, if I have time, I will maybe get some gaming done - Baldurs Gate - it's captivating I tell you. Otherwise I may just go to bed and watch some Eddie Izzard, a fabulous (hidden meanings are boss) comedian. British. I still say the Brits rule the greatest humour empire of the world. "Oh really? Have they?" and so on..

More later peehaps

That girl again, and this time she likes snow

Baby i've only got a minute

Baby i have to go

A minute is all my life

Will ever allow

Let's grow old

And die together

Let's do it now