There's just so much.. crap. Bushes. Undergrowth. Where's the sky? The sea?
For now, let's call it chemical imbalance and hope things will swing round by steady intake of vitamins.
And remember to fight the war, fuck the norm.
Showing posts with label Brooding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brooding. Show all posts
A swing on a rope, from the Cape of No Hope
I have lost it, I know. It's been a while now and I'm not feeling it. I am just unfocused, riddled with anxiety and feelings of loneliness. Soon things should pick up, but what if they don't? To this end I am attacking various things in my life that have been a negative influence, and nuking them into oblivion. Surely this will lead to something positive.
There's just so much.. crap. Bushes. Undergrowth. Where's the sky? The sea?
For now, let's call it chemical imbalance and hope things will swing round by steady intake of vitamins.
And remember to fight the war, fuck the norm.
There's just so much.. crap. Bushes. Undergrowth. Where's the sky? The sea?
For now, let's call it chemical imbalance and hope things will swing round by steady intake of vitamins.
And remember to fight the war, fuck the norm.
A rat's nest
I had some sort of emotional breakdown this weekend, feeling like I was running on fumes. All the cognitive defences seemed to have crumbled and left me quite unprotected from all the (old) demons of self-doubt and melancholy. It was a terrifying and sobering experience which reminded me of how things used to be. Before, years ago now, this wouldn't have such an unusual experience, but now what I took away from it was just the realisation of all the water that's passed since I was in this place. Apparently I am more stable now than I was then. But just as apparently, no matter how many miles of asphalt you cross, it's hard to escape yourself.
So what does one do? Well, nothing really. Least not in my case. It is just a matter of letting it wash over you and then get back on your feet as the wave rolls back into that vast indifferent ocean. I'm sure various medicaments could counteract the feeling, but I fear those much more than I fear the depression. What you should not do though, is grab hold of anything you encounter inside that darkness and carry it with you as day breaks. Nightmares should be allowed to fade.
Goose bumps
Listening to Tori Amos' rendition of Cooling. Goose bumps ripple my skin and I remember a time when I was younger and much more sensitive. This safety and happiness comes with a price, never did I doubt it, and now it seems I have glimpsed the costs involved with growing.
Fitter, Happier, More productive.
I actually miss the times when I would just spend whole days listening to beautiful music and feeling like hell. Ani said something at a show, how in life she had found that "the deeper the beauty, the deeper the sadness" (or was it the other way around?).
But still.. the goose bumps going down my spine right now are nice. And maybe nothing is irreversible.
----------------
Now playing: Tori Amos - Cooling
via FoxyTunes
Fitter, Happier, More productive.
I actually miss the times when I would just spend whole days listening to beautiful music and feeling like hell. Ani said something at a show, how in life she had found that "the deeper the beauty, the deeper the sadness" (or was it the other way around?).
But still.. the goose bumps going down my spine right now are nice. And maybe nothing is irreversible.
"And is your place in heaven
Worth giving up these kisses
These, these kisses
---
This is cooling
Faster than I can
Hey yes, faster than I can
Hey, this is cooling."
----------------
Now playing: Tori Amos - Cooling
via FoxyTunes
E
I really don't like myself when I'm watching tv
and I really like myself when I read books
yet here I am
watching TV like it could save my life
go figure
.
Entourage is great though. And I have cookies and broadband and coke and www.tv-links.co.uk
so I'll just sit back and vegetate and maybe tomorrow or some other day I'll keep reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
c yous guys
Thermodynamics
I brush my teeth and spit out pinkish foam which suggests that once again I was too hard on myself. Today, - or, well, tonight - I am angry about so many little things. The social blisters have burst and every single thing that rubs me the wrong way has become impossible to ignore. I am seething. I am tired of being nice. It's just so annoying when you just end up being taken advantage of. Guess I should say No, fuck off, a little more often. But I don't. No, instead I try to be helpful under the presupposition that it will cause a balance of mutual generosity. Of course this doesn't happen since I rarely ask for anything myself.
My spiritual body feels like it is carrying too much weight. I want time and space enough around me to enjoy what I create, instead of seeing it be appreciated by others. Yes, I'm bitter. I am not altruistic and selfless. I do nice things so that nice things will be done unto me. Dammit, it's payday! I will no longer turn the other cheek. I will squirrel away all that is good about me, and only share it when I damn well please.
I am bleeding energy.
I am leaking joy.
I miss myself.
My spiritual body feels like it is carrying too much weight. I want time and space enough around me to enjoy what I create, instead of seeing it be appreciated by others. Yes, I'm bitter. I am not altruistic and selfless. I do nice things so that nice things will be done unto me. Dammit, it's payday! I will no longer turn the other cheek. I will squirrel away all that is good about me, and only share it when I damn well please.
I am bleeding energy.
I am leaking joy.
I miss myself.
Sonic blast
I felt the reeling coming. As I often do. So I stumbled home, mumbled goodbye to no one in particular. And then I couldn't remember struggling to take off the necklace. Or brushing my teeth. Or being rude, loud and filmed. At some point this has got to stop.
Rambling
Why is it when you stop keeping your rain clothes in your bag that the weather turns?
Why is it that the sun shines at two, but when you want to go home at five, it's pouring down rain?
Well, it's just plain good luck then, that I wont go home just now...
--
I just started playing Devil May Cry on our pink playstation 2. It's seems like an alright action game. So far I exspecially enjoy jumping up in the air and fire a sawed-off shotgun in a suspended-motion-matrix-kind-of-way. Man, the world is dangerously loosing it's foothold (considering recent events), and I'm just here, a part of all the downfall. Because, although I don't really believe that videogames and movies cause violence, they do twist your mind a bit. And volatile souls will end up causing blowouts. The problem of course is What causes all these kids to feel so lousy? Alienated, filled with anxiety and hate. That's the part that is new. Not the violent games (when I was a kid I would run around in the woods with two sticks and a piece of string, fighting the most elaborate battles. 3D acceleration didn't change my life.). The guns are another issue. Fuckin americans (the system, not the people). Can you spell indoctrination? Can you spell delusion? Yous guys aint free one bit. You're cancerous. You're a rabid dog. The whole nation is like a mean little kid with daddys guns, holding the world at bay.
Well, that got away from me.
I guess videogames make you mad.
(and outside, the rain is so hard that the car alarms are going off.. note to self, if you need to steal a car: do it in heavy rainfall)
Why is it that the sun shines at two, but when you want to go home at five, it's pouring down rain?
Well, it's just plain good luck then, that I wont go home just now...
--
I just started playing Devil May Cry on our pink playstation 2. It's seems like an alright action game. So far I exspecially enjoy jumping up in the air and fire a sawed-off shotgun in a suspended-motion-matrix-kind-of-way. Man, the world is dangerously loosing it's foothold (considering recent events), and I'm just here, a part of all the downfall. Because, although I don't really believe that videogames and movies cause violence, they do twist your mind a bit. And volatile souls will end up causing blowouts. The problem of course is What causes all these kids to feel so lousy? Alienated, filled with anxiety and hate. That's the part that is new. Not the violent games (when I was a kid I would run around in the woods with two sticks and a piece of string, fighting the most elaborate battles. 3D acceleration didn't change my life.). The guns are another issue. Fuckin americans (the system, not the people). Can you spell indoctrination? Can you spell delusion? Yous guys aint free one bit. You're cancerous. You're a rabid dog. The whole nation is like a mean little kid with daddys guns, holding the world at bay.
Well, that got away from me.
I guess videogames make you mad.
(and outside, the rain is so hard that the car alarms are going off.. note to self, if you need to steal a car: do it in heavy rainfall)
The mud
been having a few really bad days. tired and flushed. maybe a little feverish. i can't put my finger on it, which is how it usually is, I guess. i fear that maybe it's part stress related. could it be? sure it could. but this is not close to one of my more stressful periods, so im half thinking and half hoping its just a bug. some virus bringing me down, messing with my mind.
today, the Girl stopped by. i leaned in close to feel her breath on my face as she spoke. she made me feel a lot better while she was here.
now I've watched casino royale, and was it good? well, it was bond thats for sure. they seem to have settled on a recipe that works. the initial chase scene was well choreographed, stunning stunt work. the babes were babes, but less exposure than lately? and naturally couldn't be trusted. it's no fun being bond, whether he likes it or not, it's short term relationships for life.
i hope to get out of this muddy sink hole i am in right now. i always think back to the analysis we made while reading the remake och robinson crusoe by whatshisname, some french guy, in french class. robinson had a period when all he did was sit in a hole of mud, trying to not think, just drifting away slowly from life. finally he took a hold of himself and got out though. maybe I will too.
my back hurts lika a b'tch also, cuz I havent been making it to the gym for a few weeks. it just piles up and makes me want to explode it.
that same old burroghs line is ringing in my head, and im not sure he didn't borrow it from hemingway:
today, the Girl stopped by. i leaned in close to feel her breath on my face as she spoke. she made me feel a lot better while she was here.
now I've watched casino royale, and was it good? well, it was bond thats for sure. they seem to have settled on a recipe that works. the initial chase scene was well choreographed, stunning stunt work. the babes were babes, but less exposure than lately? and naturally couldn't be trusted. it's no fun being bond, whether he likes it or not, it's short term relationships for life.
i hope to get out of this muddy sink hole i am in right now. i always think back to the analysis we made while reading the remake och robinson crusoe by whatshisname, some french guy, in french class. robinson had a period when all he did was sit in a hole of mud, trying to not think, just drifting away slowly from life. finally he took a hold of himself and got out though. maybe I will too.
my back hurts lika a b'tch also, cuz I havent been making it to the gym for a few weeks. it just piles up and makes me want to explode it.
that same old burroghs line is ringing in my head, and im not sure he didn't borrow it from hemingway:
"it came in a puffon that note, let's all have a care-free weekend.
the wind that makes the candle flicker
a sudden evil-smelling emptyness"
All the strength was going out of him in waves of seering pain
The past couple of weeks my stress levels have been gradually rising. Almost unnoticed, and certainly not counteracted, they have now reached annoying intensity. It's that really sh*tty kind of stress where I feel bad because I'm not doing enough to push work forward. I have some good ideas, sure, some leads and some interesting investigations ahead of me. Yet the days ease by me like a fat dirty river, leaving me feeling behind, lost and sick. And I see my collegues, as well as friends and people unknown to me in respects other than visual, gladly jump in and swim with the current.
I need someone to cut me a path.
And of course at this time when I'd rather take some extra time and energy and invest it in my work situation, my extra-curricular obligations conicide by being beautifully intensified. Tomorrow we have an (emergency?) meeting with the photo club, hopefully electing a new president since our current one has defected. Friend opening a club on friday, and I should be there (hey, I even want to) followed by a saturday that is completely booked by my duties as photographer for Norrlands Nation. Since it's an all-night event I probably will be hungover and certainly tired on sunday, i.e. not really in a working mode or mood. Which means I'll end up pushing things onward to next week hoping they'll resolve, time will be plentyful, my actions will yield immediate results and kings will come and bow before me.
Or so we hope.
Nuff said.
M'out
I need someone to cut me a path.
And of course at this time when I'd rather take some extra time and energy and invest it in my work situation, my extra-curricular obligations conicide by being beautifully intensified. Tomorrow we have an (emergency?) meeting with the photo club, hopefully electing a new president since our current one has defected. Friend opening a club on friday, and I should be there (hey, I even want to) followed by a saturday that is completely booked by my duties as photographer for Norrlands Nation. Since it's an all-night event I probably will be hungover and certainly tired on sunday, i.e. not really in a working mode or mood. Which means I'll end up pushing things onward to next week hoping they'll resolve, time will be plentyful, my actions will yield immediate results and kings will come and bow before me.
Or so we hope.
Nuff said.
M'out
"Draw back the curtains and smile.. everythings..
...wow".
I'm out
on the other side. Outside there is a glistening coat of blue and gold on the world. Little white particles are whirling around, twinkling in the sunlight.
Work is fine.
I'm still a bit worried about the photo shoot on tuesday, but it'll be.. ok. It'll just have to be. If not, I think I will quit. Move on to my own stuff that doesn't need approval of anyone else.
Well, no time for shit chat, betta go down the lab and shoot some lasers.
Hasta pronto chiquitas
I'm out
on the other side. Outside there is a glistening coat of blue and gold on the world. Little white particles are whirling around, twinkling in the sunlight.
Work is fine.
I'm still a bit worried about the photo shoot on tuesday, but it'll be.. ok. It'll just have to be. If not, I think I will quit. Move on to my own stuff that doesn't need approval of anyone else.
Well, no time for shit chat, betta go down the lab and shoot some lasers.
Hasta pronto chiquitas
Sunday, moody sunday
Today I'm taking a day off. Well, I know it's sunday, but it's a different kind of day off. A strong feeling of being lost inside me has been turning the whole weekend sour, and now I'm just gonna let it come and do whatever. Stay in my room, watch cartoons and see if the darkness can really take me."sitting in my glasshouse
while your ghost is sleeping down the hall
watching the little birds fly
kamikaze missions into the walls
think i'm gonna stay in today
sit on my couch and watch them fall"
No, I dont know, it's far from that dramatic. I just dont feel like meeting or talking to anyone today. Don't need to have to put up a smile or a joke. At least thats how Im feeling right now. Like the glass house ani's talking about. Like there's half an inch, cool transparent barrier between me and whatever else there is.
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