Startling new news and amazing revelations

Lately, i feel i've been a bit whining and stuff. Partly on the blog, and surely also in emails, and IRL. Well, let's put that crap behind us shall we.

I'm working alot, yes, but only because I really want to. I mean, I want to learn a bunch of crap about these solar cells and stuff, so I'll be able to answer any questions any time, and so I'll hold this project in my hands with questions in my head as to where I want to take it. Generellay if you feel pulled by the nose, you can either pick up pace or grab a bolt cutter and emacipate yourself. Right now, I have no desire to be free from this, but I want to be free IN what I am doing. In control. Hey, I guess even IN POWER. And I'm getting there. And it is interesting. And I hope this doesn't also sound like complaining.

So. Summer is ever closer. Gaaaawd that feels nice! Dun'iit? As I may have mentioned I am totally caught in fierce reveries related to recreations this summer. Ireland trip in two weeks. Norway trip later. And a bike-camp with KD and ED around the High Coast. And as much as I daydream about the trips themselves and the Great Times with Great Friends, I have also slipped into quite a bit of what we in sweden call "prylbögeri" (i.e. materialism directed towards necessary or unnecessary gadgets of considerable price). I want new Climatech® Heavy Mp pants, new Polartec® Power Stretch® jersey, new Techno Trail® Cooking kit, new foldable knife... needless to say, all of it completely necessary and reasonably priced. Oh, and a new small backpack.

--
Missing my girlfriend is less exhilerating and more painful these days. At first it was ok, I could sit around and think about her and really just smile. But as time goes by, I wish more and more that I could see her. And I guess, now I shouldn't complain since it's only two weeks till i drop in on her in Eire.
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Well. Heh. Im happy, really I am.. Yeahh.

iSkype

I finally did it. I Skype. Find me as peroskarwestin. Hope to talk to you soon.

Do you like to watch?

So, in my pursuit, my poursuite, of happines and integrity I am looking around for the optimal web-base photo-sharing community/site/thingy... (Any tips accepted with grinning teeth and crooked eyebrows..).
Added four of my test sites to the links on the side. All the site have been awarded with different pics, mostly old but many unpublished. Pleas give me any feedback you can think of, both for the photos as well as for the sites and their maneuverability, look, feel, anything..

And to the avid readers and my friends, I know you've all been wondering about this woman/goddess that I have ben (ben? who's ben? oh.. been.. noted 2006-04-21) graced with, so I recommend you go to the DropShots account and check out the two photos from the 12/4, depicting said beauty.

Word. Mout.

Another Ani Song

He says he loves her
He says he's changing
And he can keep her warm
And so she sits there like america
Suffering through slow reform

But she'll never get back the time
And the years sneak by
One by one
She is still playing the martyr
I am still praying for revloution


And she still doesn't have what she deserves
But she wakes up smiling every day
She never really expected more
That's just not the way we are raised

And i say to her,
You know,
There's plenty of really great men out there
But she doesn't hear me
She's looking in the mirror
She's fixing her hair

I have to turn away from this terrible drug

I had a bit of a confrontation with my self last night. You see, I was in a situation where everything was right, I mean that all known factors and were beneficial, and yet at what I felt should've been the peak and culmination of a great evening I turned a corner into complete darkness. Clarification: Right after work I met up with some friends, possibly the best, most intimate and kind friends I have here in Uppsala, and we settled in the semi-warming afternoon sun for the years first barbecue. A great meal was ingested. Laughter, smiles and all the kind words were exchanged. The chilling breath of evening ushered us inside and we kept on. Coffee and TV and videogame and guitar and back rub and more of the joking and the laughter. Hours later, I was sitting on the couch feeling completely alone and weird. I lost foothold, and instead of sliding or tripping it meant a stumble into a nothingness. A fall into a bottomless pit. No landing, no wind rushing past. Just empty, dark and quiet
In the dark I sat for a while, bewildered. What had happened. Why was I there, and everyone else outside. And then I felt a familiar breath on my neck. A monster from years past exhaling through fangs of ivory. Not far had I moved. Not far enough from the places I'd been, to escape this monster. But lessons learned are lessons learned. I rose, turned around to face the beast, and backed calmly out the door. I rode my bike through a trembling night home, the beast left sitting on a couch in my friends aparment.

The boy who cried stress

A week ago since last posted.

"It's always like this', he tells himself. 'The Fear and then a rush of Courage and the clean sweet feeling of being born'. He'd read that somewhere in an old western. But the Fear can go on and on until you can't stand it. It's going to break you, and that's when the Fear breaks. You hope." -Burroughs

Days seem to pass at an alarming rate. At least when I regard work. Always it becomes harder to actually achieve the goals set for this day, this week. Instead, a headache of guilt and stress settles in my cranium. I see days pass, deadlines approaching like so many brick walls, and all I manage to do is hide in my dreams. The more I need to focus, the less I do. My head is in summer, in norway, on Eire. My arms are paddling water, walking a stick, pulling someone close enough to smell. My hands, my eyes, my nose; all are off on some separate and elusive adventure, leaving only a lonely heart to bear the load of every day life. My stomach tries to help, but only shrivels up and accumulates acids. I need an injection of Now. A realisation of Presence. A shot of adrenaline to the heart, once an hour, to burn me through all these papers, tapdance my fingers through this report.
-

"It suddenly occured to him that he was going to die. Not sooner or later, he knew that of course, but tonight."

-
I know a million things are supposed to happend. But I have the Fear, and I want to run a way. It's the way we humans are built, you know. Fight or flight, that is our choice of reactions to any situation. Any situation that is not a simple and habitual chewing of cud. I like the way someone said that the predator without natural enemies would compartmentalise his world. If it moves - it's food. If it doesn't - it's a rock. Well, I am no predator and I feel like I'm surrounded by enemies and natural disaster. Where to run; into the forest fire, or towards the wolves.

I sink down next to a cool and comforting wall. Rock. Rock. Rock.

Beeefcake!

Well, I'll just let my guard down here for a second and say that
I wish she would just call
I wish she would just call

Lately I'm listening an obscene amount to

Diane Cluck:
"And red ants are moving with their sick and withered comrades
They carry the bodies of the withered in their mouths
Because it is no big deal
Hey, what else is there to do
But set your sight on something and pull your tangles through
Oh I would have gone crooked but for you
-
Hey I feel steady and I feel good
Light and emptied of last night's food
Theres a mountain ahead
When I'm ready to go up from the edge of the turnaround road"

How to jump the Grand Canyon with an office chair

Yesterday my lady left the country for the Isle of Green, Eire. I'm stupid enough not to get what's happening yet, and so I am still not on the floor, crying. Maybe I wont be. Maybe now, I've suffered through thtat, grown past it, matured. I mean, I realise she's far away, and I wont' see her for a while, but that still is eclipsed by the glowing light of happiness that it is to even know her. To have kissed her. To have held her.
It's scary nonetheless, these months ahead, being forced to face the ever present fact that no one, ever, really can say what's going to be in the future. Something you easily forget when the days are linked like a chain and not separated by a Grand Canyon of Time. I know things will change during this time. I know we both will. But I have no idea what that will mean for our relation. For the chemistry of combustion between us. Was the abyss of her leaving a catalyst to our Love. Or was it an inhibitor. Will things burn brighter next time we mix. Will they simply separate, like oil and vinegar.

"it may look like I'm brooding
not getting much done
but, oh, there is a cure here
the light is very pure here"

musings in the morning glory

Waking up
the feeling of emptyness and distance is still with me
it's like my own stomach is rebelling against me
against any sense really
so I need to do something

I turn on the cdplayer
flip to a track I know well
turn the volume well up
and let it echo across the white bare walls of my apartment
so comes the relief of emotion
flood gates open
realisation that what I need is sensitation
sensitation to anything, to everything around me
everything that can become clouded over by dark thoughts
bad self esteem
all these roads I've been down too many times
to have any excuse to go back there

I need a boost
a voice that lifts my chin
and lets me see the light that comes through
reflecting brightness on a virgin cover of snow

So even though my plants are dying
euthanasia
and my things are scattered as if by a smart bomb gone stupid hit my living room
erupted
tossing cds, tshirts, socks, bills, books, cords, newspapers
in all directions

And maybe it's hard
but there's always a choice
what to accept as a mood
and what not to let enter into your mind and take over

I have a million things to enjoy today
can't keep this up

the only thing is i miss the only thing i don't have within arms length
it's strange how someone so quickly can find a place in your life
so naturally
that their absence leaves behind a void
a space only they can fill

-
ah! no more of this brooding and rambling. time for breakfast!

I had so much to say and when i finally had a chance to say it i stood there silent like a dumb m*therf*cker

Right now, it's 1:30 in the morning. I am a bit lonely, tired and out of juice. Lately, I've not had time over to read blogs, write in my blog, read books, write, well not a whole lot of stuff I guess. And the quonundrum is that a bunch of write-worthy stuff has been happening, such as the UN-employee that fell asleep in the irish pub, the first snowboard 180° in 4 years, my new camera, the brick wall ahead with my best shot at a great relationship in .. well.. Its great, let's leave it at that.

Too tired. Next week I'll be going to Oslo.

Some lines through my head lately.

"Les absents ont toujours tort"
"Somewhere between devotion and indifference"
"Querer asi
Yo no soy capaz"
"I try to stay awake
but it's 58 hours since that I last slept with you"