The girl I try to call my

I have a friend. He says he doesn't understand this woman.

There's not been one, in my life, in a relationship, that I've truly understood.

"I guess you can't really see the wind
It just comes in and fills the space
And everytime something moves
You think you have seen it's face"

When you're sick of fighting, is that when it is the most important to keep fighting.
When you give up, is that when the flag is raised on the other side, white and shiny.
If you know it was good, will it be good again.
How can you be sure.

"When I am like this
How can you be smiling
How can you be sure"

Or is all that is left momentum.
Momentum is just nothing, waiting for an impact.
The more it feels, the more it will hurt.
Who is more at fault, the car or the lightpost.
The driver or the deer.

"I'm a rabbit in your headlights
Scared of the spot light"

But what then.
Imagine a cold white light in a cold and dark tunnel. And then imagine what.
Imagine being dead from the waist down. Waving your arms at a sound you do not want to remember. But you remember. And what then.

There is no killer like doubt. Those great leaders, the succesful artist, the train bearing down on you. They win because they never questioned the reasons.

Do you hear that sound Mr.Anderson. That is the sound of inevitability.

And then imagine what.

You close your eyes, never to open them again.
Imagine a hand on your face. A dry warm hand. A confident hand.
And you let go. Your body. Live in your face, cradling in the palm of this hand. This hand you felt not enough times, not enough time. Never open your eyes and the hand never lets you fall off, but carries you off, up up up up up up.
For not the first time you kiss the hand.
And then imagine what.
A life

So where are we.
Standing up against something cold and hard, you could swear it was rock, but would you swear. Why is it easier to be sure of the impossible than the possible.
Why is she not impossible.
Why is she not impossible.
Why is she
________oh
__________so
____________possible

The Dalai Lama would be proud

If I haven't told you before, Life is a quest for the perfect set of gadgets, and I took a smooth step forward today, replacing my old broken mp3 player and my old broken head phones with a brand new mp3 player and a pair of brand new head phones...

I could go on to describe in detail why they are the right choice, but that might make me to much of a geek. Let it just be said that my life will improve now that I'll have a soundtrack again..

Oh, and I bought Hello Saferide, that's why she's there...

My head - the empty vase

It's saturday, and a beautiful, sunny day with an inch of fresh snow covering the landscape.
-

Zapp Brannigan

and pretty soon my camera should (effing better!) be delivered to the photo shop. bad news for my bank account. good news for my joyfulness, I will play with it intensly until I learn everything about it. then I will hit the streets, rooftops, bars, corners, livingrooms and parks, looking for beauty. or humour.

What's se fuckse sayin'?

I m, like yesterday, in the lab tonight. I have to start some new experiments tomorrow or on friday, and so I have to complete some test material. God, it's fun.

But seriously, it is getting pretty interesting, and I feel more andmore like there is a path somewhere under all this snow, and that I'll be able to follow it by doing some digging where I stand whenever I feel lost. Maybe soon I'll have some research results to post on this here blog. For all and everyone to behold and be amazed.

This man wants your money

Another wasted sunday?

-"Cold in here?"
-"Nope, just real small."

My eyes are sore for a sight

Looking back on what I write, I wish there could be more about The Girl. But I don't know what to write. It seems hard to capture. Hard to describe, because of how great she is, and because of how unpredictable things have been. Which also has made me real scared of making any statements about what really might be going on. Ask me in a week. Maybe, if things haven't changed, I'll be able to put it down in words.
A few things though.
- She's the most beautiful girl I've had my lips on.
- When she smiles it's there is a Dawn effect. First there's some light. Then a glimpse, then a cascade of golden light.
- She's got a mischevous smile.
- She's passionate about snowboarding.
- Everything she thinks she can't, she was born to do..

The story that began with a memory

Friday night turns out to be a lot calmer than I had worried it should be. My flatmate, sad sad story, got dumped by her friends so we're staying in, watching Almost Famous, drinking watered down drinks for our own amusement.
"Be bold and Great forces will come to your aid" - Goethe
-
And tonight I, to my great relief, called up the Girl in Fashion and told her what's what. Once again, honesty seems to work. She understood. And gave me the best wishes. I've never "chosen" between girls before. That is to say, I've never had more than one girl interested in me at one time.
On the other hand, all this seems like a simile that rings badly even in my own ears. I havent chosen a person. I have put my emotional money on my favourite. That's it. I'm gonna give her all I've got, and hope that that's enough. Enough for what? For time to stand still. For the sun to explode and bring summer in a gush of molten lava.
-
I see a brick wall coming. This is the bizzaro world. No paint this time, but I am hoping for that to be wrong. A paper divider, texture painted. When I see green fields now, I cringe, turn and walk a way. So here I am, running like a a madman. Toward a red brick wall.

Man in black

[01:15.68]You could have it all
[01:21.56]My empire of dirt
[01:27.10]I will let you down
[01:32.49]I will make you hurt

Morning Glory

"sooner or later I will stumble into her
and she will say yes
and yes
and yes and yes
and yes
and no"

So, thursday, the third day, morning. I am still at home, given a nice little break by the universe. See, I need to go to the bank today, but those lazy troglodytes don't open til 10am. Hence, I wait around for the bank to open.
Economy seems to be in a bad way these days. I'm real embarassed to admit it, but it turns out I haven't annulled my last electricity subscription. So the new tenants are currently enjoying their toast on my account (literally). But then again, this is sweden, so if I approach them I'm sure theyll be understanding and fork up the difference. We'll see. In any other case I may be forced to TP their house and stuff fecal matter through their mailbox.
-
Another account that needs to be annulled is that between me and a The Girl In Fashion. Not that a lot has transpired, so I guess there's no skin of any of our hides, but the interest seemed genuine. The jokes cordial. Expectations etcetera.
However, I have a lot bigger fish to fry. Something like 179cm of flower-scented fish to fry. And, despite what some would claim, it is not ok just because people live in different cities, states or countries. I am a one-girl-boy, and have always been.
-
Tomorrow is party here. My flatmate is a year older and so she has some friends over and I guess there will be drinking and going out and stuff like that.
Tonight is pubnight with some friends I haven't seen since before christmas. Even since long before christmas. Some localised social disturbances have extranged us from each other during some time... never mind.
--
Listening to Joanna newsom. Good sh*t.
--
If you wanna check out some other stuff that I do these days, I just took charge of the Norrlands Fotoförenings (my photo club) homepage, http://geocities.com/fotonorr
so take a look at it..

Maybe this year will be better than the last

Inspired by Soulfighter I shall give a try to concisively conclude the year of 2005. One thing seems painfully clear though.. The Fighter has had a lot more time and energy to spend on the cultural sides of life everyday. But still, I'll give it a try:

2005*

*top 10 CDs

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm
Frida Hyvönen - Until Death Comes
Decemberists - picaresque
Four Tet - Everything Ecstatic
Arab Strap - Live Request Show

Ani Difranco - Knuckle Down
Tori Amos - The Beekeeper
Foo Fighters - In your Honor
Tiger Lou - The Loyal
Rufus Wainwright - Want Two

*top 10 Live experiences

Tiger Lou - Katalin, Uppsala
Robyn - Hultsfred Festival
Tori Amos - Hultsfred Festival
Arab Strap - Nice'n'sleazy, Glasgow
James Orr Complex - Nice'n'sleazy, Glasgow

Tegan & Sara - Hultsfred Festival
Magic Numbers - Hultsfred Festival
Ane Brun & Wendy McNeill - Katalin, Uppsala
Johan Borgert & Holy Madre - Parksnäckan, Uppsala
Live cuban improvisations - A hole in the wall, Barcelona

*The Clothes

Black T-shirt and Jeans. Forest green Fleece.

*The Food

Hands down most eaten this year: Beans on toast. Good, nutritious and lots of possibility for variations according to mood

*The Book

All the books by Chuck Palahniuk that I read in the beginning of the year, still stand out

*the people

Newcomers, the lovely Nurse (I am a lucky, lucky boy to have met her), the Post-Doc, the Mother. A trio that, separately and in their very own ways, have made this year memorable. And of course all my old friends.

*the trip

Norway. Beautiful and free. Road trips are the very best (i know, gasoline, energy crises and what have you, but man! this is my one thing..)

*the drink

hmm.. this year, I dunno, nothing special .. oh but yes! of course! I've had my red wine renaissance this year... so that's it, Red Wine

Warm beer and cold women

Been home now for a few days. Since wednesday afternoon to be precise, and I've had my head in a daze ever since. And not in a good way for a good reason. No no. I've had fever-induced halucnations and pounding headaches, weak knees and runny nose, sore throat and red eyes. Punishment for my sins, you say? Nay, I refute that notion. I've been a good boy lately, apart from the drinking of course, but that's just what is expected from a new years week.

This weekend has, thus, been a week and bed-bound affair (still not in a good way for a good reason), where I've been mostly playing computer games and watching Seinfeld. This was a bit annoying for several reasons. One reason was that I had a date in sthlm yesterday that I had to cancel. Another that I had (vainly, I know) planned to spend some time this weekend on preparing for the workweek and workweeks ahead. Yet another that I need some time to ..deal with this woman in my life. Not knowing so far, exactly what or how to ..or anything.

Exceptions to this bedbinding was yesterday when F was in Uppsala and I went in to town to meet him for a fika, a whisky and another fika. nice chap. we spoke of subjects close to our hearts; women, careers, friends, women, writing, men&women, kitchens, and of course women. Some intersting points of view were ventilated. I wonder now, what do you think; why are there so few couples in sweden living together (compared to other european countries)?

And today I spend doing a wash and talking to T, my flatmate. I am reminded of a great thinker, a friend of mine, and his wise words. "Well, it's not that I mind living together with women, but they do have around 30'000 words to spend every day". Truer words were rarely spake.

Now time to empty out the drier. And refill it.
Ta

Tu sais le truc la, avec le machin la...

Back after a new years week in provence, cotes de Luberon, the hamlet of Les Barbiers. Well, as usual when I've been off for a while I am way too tired to write a lot about it.
I can say a few things. A lot of Kro(nenbourg) beer, a lot of cheese, wine and a LOT of french. Mostly things were good. NEw years eve was quite awsome with some 25 people, good food, and my personal favourite moment singing radiohead songs with JC and Tjotjänn on the floor of the massive 90m2 livingroom.
Most other days my favourite room was not surprisingly the kitchen.

hmm..

some new musical inspiration:
emilie simon
coco rosie
camille

now I'm gonna try to sleep off the ensuing cold that I can feel coming..