"It's a good thing

that planet was there, or we never would've stopped!"

Song of the day

..is Your Honor by Regina Spektor!

"I'm a Pizzatarian..."

The girl I try to call my

I have a friend. He says he doesn't understand this woman.

There's not been one, in my life, in a relationship, that I've truly understood.

"I guess you can't really see the wind
It just comes in and fills the space
And everytime something moves
You think you have seen it's face"

When you're sick of fighting, is that when it is the most important to keep fighting.
When you give up, is that when the flag is raised on the other side, white and shiny.
If you know it was good, will it be good again.
How can you be sure.

"When I am like this
How can you be smiling
How can you be sure"

Or is all that is left momentum.
Momentum is just nothing, waiting for an impact.
The more it feels, the more it will hurt.
Who is more at fault, the car or the lightpost.
The driver or the deer.

"I'm a rabbit in your headlights
Scared of the spot light"

But what then.
Imagine a cold white light in a cold and dark tunnel. And then imagine what.
Imagine being dead from the waist down. Waving your arms at a sound you do not want to remember. But you remember. And what then.

There is no killer like doubt. Those great leaders, the succesful artist, the train bearing down on you. They win because they never questioned the reasons.

Do you hear that sound Mr.Anderson. That is the sound of inevitability.

And then imagine what.

You close your eyes, never to open them again.
Imagine a hand on your face. A dry warm hand. A confident hand.
And you let go. Your body. Live in your face, cradling in the palm of this hand. This hand you felt not enough times, not enough time. Never open your eyes and the hand never lets you fall off, but carries you off, up up up up up up.
For not the first time you kiss the hand.
And then imagine what.
A life

So where are we.
Standing up against something cold and hard, you could swear it was rock, but would you swear. Why is it easier to be sure of the impossible than the possible.
Why is she not impossible.
Why is she not impossible.
Why is she
________oh
__________so
____________possible

The Dalai Lama would be proud

If I haven't told you before, Life is a quest for the perfect set of gadgets, and I took a smooth step forward today, replacing my old broken mp3 player and my old broken head phones with a brand new mp3 player and a pair of brand new head phones...

I could go on to describe in detail why they are the right choice, but that might make me to much of a geek. Let it just be said that my life will improve now that I'll have a soundtrack again..

Oh, and I bought Hello Saferide, that's why she's there...

My head - the empty vase

It's saturday, and a beautiful, sunny day with an inch of fresh snow covering the landscape.
-

Zapp Brannigan

and pretty soon my camera should (effing better!) be delivered to the photo shop. bad news for my bank account. good news for my joyfulness, I will play with it intensly until I learn everything about it. then I will hit the streets, rooftops, bars, corners, livingrooms and parks, looking for beauty. or humour.

What's se fuckse sayin'?

I m, like yesterday, in the lab tonight. I have to start some new experiments tomorrow or on friday, and so I have to complete some test material. God, it's fun.

But seriously, it is getting pretty interesting, and I feel more andmore like there is a path somewhere under all this snow, and that I'll be able to follow it by doing some digging where I stand whenever I feel lost. Maybe soon I'll have some research results to post on this here blog. For all and everyone to behold and be amazed.

This man wants your money

Another wasted sunday?

-"Cold in here?"
-"Nope, just real small."

My eyes are sore for a sight

Looking back on what I write, I wish there could be more about The Girl. But I don't know what to write. It seems hard to capture. Hard to describe, because of how great she is, and because of how unpredictable things have been. Which also has made me real scared of making any statements about what really might be going on. Ask me in a week. Maybe, if things haven't changed, I'll be able to put it down in words.
A few things though.
- She's the most beautiful girl I've had my lips on.
- When she smiles it's there is a Dawn effect. First there's some light. Then a glimpse, then a cascade of golden light.
- She's got a mischevous smile.
- She's passionate about snowboarding.
- Everything she thinks she can't, she was born to do..

The story that began with a memory

Friday night turns out to be a lot calmer than I had worried it should be. My flatmate, sad sad story, got dumped by her friends so we're staying in, watching Almost Famous, drinking watered down drinks for our own amusement.
"Be bold and Great forces will come to your aid" - Goethe
-
And tonight I, to my great relief, called up the Girl in Fashion and told her what's what. Once again, honesty seems to work. She understood. And gave me the best wishes. I've never "chosen" between girls before. That is to say, I've never had more than one girl interested in me at one time.
On the other hand, all this seems like a simile that rings badly even in my own ears. I havent chosen a person. I have put my emotional money on my favourite. That's it. I'm gonna give her all I've got, and hope that that's enough. Enough for what? For time to stand still. For the sun to explode and bring summer in a gush of molten lava.
-
I see a brick wall coming. This is the bizzaro world. No paint this time, but I am hoping for that to be wrong. A paper divider, texture painted. When I see green fields now, I cringe, turn and walk a way. So here I am, running like a a madman. Toward a red brick wall.

Man in black

[01:15.68]You could have it all
[01:21.56]My empire of dirt
[01:27.10]I will let you down
[01:32.49]I will make you hurt

Morning Glory

"sooner or later I will stumble into her
and she will say yes
and yes
and yes and yes
and yes
and no"

So, thursday, the third day, morning. I am still at home, given a nice little break by the universe. See, I need to go to the bank today, but those lazy troglodytes don't open til 10am. Hence, I wait around for the bank to open.
Economy seems to be in a bad way these days. I'm real embarassed to admit it, but it turns out I haven't annulled my last electricity subscription. So the new tenants are currently enjoying their toast on my account (literally). But then again, this is sweden, so if I approach them I'm sure theyll be understanding and fork up the difference. We'll see. In any other case I may be forced to TP their house and stuff fecal matter through their mailbox.
-
Another account that needs to be annulled is that between me and a The Girl In Fashion. Not that a lot has transpired, so I guess there's no skin of any of our hides, but the interest seemed genuine. The jokes cordial. Expectations etcetera.
However, I have a lot bigger fish to fry. Something like 179cm of flower-scented fish to fry. And, despite what some would claim, it is not ok just because people live in different cities, states or countries. I am a one-girl-boy, and have always been.
-
Tomorrow is party here. My flatmate is a year older and so she has some friends over and I guess there will be drinking and going out and stuff like that.
Tonight is pubnight with some friends I haven't seen since before christmas. Even since long before christmas. Some localised social disturbances have extranged us from each other during some time... never mind.
--
Listening to Joanna newsom. Good sh*t.
--
If you wanna check out some other stuff that I do these days, I just took charge of the Norrlands Fotoförenings (my photo club) homepage, http://geocities.com/fotonorr
so take a look at it..

Maybe this year will be better than the last

Inspired by Soulfighter I shall give a try to concisively conclude the year of 2005. One thing seems painfully clear though.. The Fighter has had a lot more time and energy to spend on the cultural sides of life everyday. But still, I'll give it a try:

2005*

*top 10 CDs

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm
Frida Hyvönen - Until Death Comes
Decemberists - picaresque
Four Tet - Everything Ecstatic
Arab Strap - Live Request Show

Ani Difranco - Knuckle Down
Tori Amos - The Beekeeper
Foo Fighters - In your Honor
Tiger Lou - The Loyal
Rufus Wainwright - Want Two

*top 10 Live experiences

Tiger Lou - Katalin, Uppsala
Robyn - Hultsfred Festival
Tori Amos - Hultsfred Festival
Arab Strap - Nice'n'sleazy, Glasgow
James Orr Complex - Nice'n'sleazy, Glasgow

Tegan & Sara - Hultsfred Festival
Magic Numbers - Hultsfred Festival
Ane Brun & Wendy McNeill - Katalin, Uppsala
Johan Borgert & Holy Madre - Parksnäckan, Uppsala
Live cuban improvisations - A hole in the wall, Barcelona

*The Clothes

Black T-shirt and Jeans. Forest green Fleece.

*The Food

Hands down most eaten this year: Beans on toast. Good, nutritious and lots of possibility for variations according to mood

*The Book

All the books by Chuck Palahniuk that I read in the beginning of the year, still stand out

*the people

Newcomers, the lovely Nurse (I am a lucky, lucky boy to have met her), the Post-Doc, the Mother. A trio that, separately and in their very own ways, have made this year memorable. And of course all my old friends.

*the trip

Norway. Beautiful and free. Road trips are the very best (i know, gasoline, energy crises and what have you, but man! this is my one thing..)

*the drink

hmm.. this year, I dunno, nothing special .. oh but yes! of course! I've had my red wine renaissance this year... so that's it, Red Wine

Warm beer and cold women

Been home now for a few days. Since wednesday afternoon to be precise, and I've had my head in a daze ever since. And not in a good way for a good reason. No no. I've had fever-induced halucnations and pounding headaches, weak knees and runny nose, sore throat and red eyes. Punishment for my sins, you say? Nay, I refute that notion. I've been a good boy lately, apart from the drinking of course, but that's just what is expected from a new years week.

This weekend has, thus, been a week and bed-bound affair (still not in a good way for a good reason), where I've been mostly playing computer games and watching Seinfeld. This was a bit annoying for several reasons. One reason was that I had a date in sthlm yesterday that I had to cancel. Another that I had (vainly, I know) planned to spend some time this weekend on preparing for the workweek and workweeks ahead. Yet another that I need some time to ..deal with this woman in my life. Not knowing so far, exactly what or how to ..or anything.

Exceptions to this bedbinding was yesterday when F was in Uppsala and I went in to town to meet him for a fika, a whisky and another fika. nice chap. we spoke of subjects close to our hearts; women, careers, friends, women, writing, men&women, kitchens, and of course women. Some intersting points of view were ventilated. I wonder now, what do you think; why are there so few couples in sweden living together (compared to other european countries)?

And today I spend doing a wash and talking to T, my flatmate. I am reminded of a great thinker, a friend of mine, and his wise words. "Well, it's not that I mind living together with women, but they do have around 30'000 words to spend every day". Truer words were rarely spake.

Now time to empty out the drier. And refill it.
Ta

Tu sais le truc la, avec le machin la...

Back after a new years week in provence, cotes de Luberon, the hamlet of Les Barbiers. Well, as usual when I've been off for a while I am way too tired to write a lot about it.
I can say a few things. A lot of Kro(nenbourg) beer, a lot of cheese, wine and a LOT of french. Mostly things were good. NEw years eve was quite awsome with some 25 people, good food, and my personal favourite moment singing radiohead songs with JC and Tjotjänn on the floor of the massive 90m2 livingroom.
Most other days my favourite room was not surprisingly the kitchen.

hmm..

some new musical inspiration:
emilie simon
coco rosie
camille

now I'm gonna try to sleep off the ensuing cold that I can feel coming..

Off my chest

In the words of a great musical poet, Adam Duritz

It's 4:30 am on a Tuesday
It doesn't get much worse than this

But, here, it's only 2:54 and I guess things could be worse.

I 've just walked home from Her house for the last time. Which also, doesn't really mean anything, since we've said goodbye so many times now, I don't keep count. But this time we didn't say goodbye. We said goodbye last tuesday night, and this was just my personal deal with the devil, to give me one last dream before I let go. Things have just gotten so tangled up that there are now ends to grip, no room to pull. She's the kind of Girl you never forget, never leave behind. I love her and she'll be in my life for a long time, but I need to move on, or I'll get really stuck.

You're trying hard to figure out
Just exactly how you feel
Before you end up parked and sobbing
Forehead on the steering wheel

I am very sick of things always being this difficult. I meet these amazing girls, but then there's always something that makes it not work... Well, I'm not gonna lay down and die. Not stay home and sulk. What I am looking for is to feel good. And I guess there's plenty of opportunity for me to move on. Time to see how those smoking bridges hold..

And that being said, I'll leave you with a EBTG song...

I don't wanna feel this way...
I don't wanna feel this way...

I don't wanna feel this way,
Won't somebody take away this feeling.

I'm looking at an open sky,
It's like my roof has got no ceiling.

It's wrong to feel this way,
I know it's wrong, I know it's bad
To only see what isn't there,
To want and want and never have.
But you know there's more to me now, don't you?
You'll always cover for me, won't you?
Won't you?

And this used to look half-full,
Now some days it looks half-empty.
And some days it feels like nothing,
It always used to feel like plenty..

No solids on sundays

Hrmpf.. yepp another hung over sunday. Nothing extreme, and not even in balance with the amount of fun I had yesterday. In other words, I had a great time and was only moderately destroyed today.
Was at a collegues christmas party. At first there was the usual tension of being around all new people, but after a while I started to get warm in my clothes, and as soon as I made the genius decision to seize a seat on the couch everything went swimmingly. Talked to a bunch of strangers and felt generally very good. the girl who was sitting next to me on the couch was in fashion and advertising and a good laugh. I like people with a profound sense for irony and an understanding for the game that makes convesation an exploration. Make sense?

And then, by the time I started to make my way home, the snow had piled itself to a 10cm high, cold obstacle not intended for my sweet blue adidas. It was beautiful, sounds muffled, and only people passing real close could've heard me mumbling nonsensical spanish, practising a mexican accent. I was well plastered. But that being said, I was far from the one who had looked deepest into the bottle that night. Some were throwing up in the bedroom. Some were having trouble focusing, keeping eye contact. It's sad, now that I see it in words, but there was a very good vibe accompanied with the amount of alcohol consumed. People were happy, talkative. Friendly. Huggy.

And so, today I've played computer games, watched movies, south park and had coffee, tea, toast, vörtlimpa and the usual stuff. Very little contact with the World. A feelgood kind of day.

But there was also a hole in this day. A sunday tradition that never got honoured. Had I not been so tired, perhaps I'd have had a look into those very favourite eyes, but instead there was only a voice on the phone.

ok, I'll leave you with that for now. chow.

Quizx

I took a quick test.. results seem more or less accurate but then again the questions were rather transparent...
Now, to work.. on a sattyday.. but "work hard, play hard, that's my motto"

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	High
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Yokata

So, where was I?

You think you're just gonna turn a leaf and things will change, and stay changed. But f*ck, nothing ever really changes. Except the weather. Which can make or break your day.

So I guess, there's no need to bother. Don't knock yourself bloody trying to solve problems, cuz there'll always be problems.

Actually, forget it. I have no new insights. I am just really confused at the moment. A night ago I felt like dying. Like I was dying, or maybe wanted to be dying. I haven't felt so out of breath for as long as I can remeber. And still it was one of the best nights can recall. It was a long dark corridor of reality, and I could never have gotten through it alone. Without someone else, what's the point of any experience. If a tree falls in the woods, and only one person is there to hear it, what's the point of it making a sound? It will still be lost in time, like tears in rain.

-
http://www.mycathatesyou.com/cats/2005/12/13

--

And she whispers that everything not only will be, but is, ok

i didn't really notice
when everything else disappeared
but as far as i'm concerned
if it isn't her
it isn't here

I left my heart in my other pants

Got up today, as I do most days, and didn't really have any idea what was going to change. I guess that's true for most days, but anyway. I worked, hard mind you, all day and didn't get off until later than expected. Late for a party I was going to, so I took a light dinner (a bowl of "fil" (a swedish, youghurt-like soured milk product - delicious and nutricious but hardly a meal)) while roaming the apartment in a haunted way. I knew I was going to meet someone at the party, and I wasn't really sure what that would feel like or what I would say. Half scared that I would be hit by a jolt of something at the sight of E, and half scared of what I was going to say to her.
Not without a sting of disappointment, nothing stirred. I liked to see her again, but even there, with her in front of me, there was no doubt in my mind. I have fallen for the other One, aka Ms. Big, aka H. I like her so much it scares me. Thinking about is scares me because it makes me see just how hurt I could get.
So I was weird, I guess. I was distant and stand-offish. And then, after I while I summoned enough cojones to tell her straight up what was going on. I told her how I liked her, but that my heart was occupied (read: the Gasa strip) by another and that even if I would go with her, there would just so clearly be trouble because of this. And I told her how I was selfish friday night when I had briefly summarised my situation as "complicated" and didn't want to talk about it for it would've ruined the moment. No poo it would have, telling her there was a ms. Big in the closet.
And the simple truth is that even if, which wasn't the case, she had been comparably compelling and sweet, H has a 6 month or so head start. Better the angel you know.

So now it just remains to see what happends. Will H bring it? Ok, I don't know what that means really, I'm way too tired for coherence. Wathcing south park.

Oh, actually the point I was aiming for in the beginning of this post was that I am so in awe of both the girls involved. I am so glad that the honesty that I think I've .. used, shown?. has been met by great understanding. It's very reassuring that honest communication actually is appreciated. (on that note, remind me to stop listening to the advice of my roomate, saying things like "don't close any doors" and "don't tell her about this and that"). I will continue to be honest and avoid playing games on people, even if that costs me a few relationships.

Ok, I am rambling, not making snsse..

---
gotta ssleeep ssssleep. zzzzz z.z zz

Som man bäddar

Nej, jag ville aldrig att det skulle bli så här. Jag ville att allt skulle vara enkelt, soligt och varmt. Och utan tvekan. Men tvekan var där hela tiden. För alla gånger jag sagt att hon är den bästa jag träffat har jag fått höra att det aldrig kommer att gå. Från henne har jag fått höra att det nog var bäst att gå vidare. (vill bara passa på att tacka mina två kompisar som faktiskt stöttat mig 100% i min romantiska idé att jag skulle få vara med henne, tack L och T). Tills jag en dag till slut lyssnar, stänger dörrarna till den del av mig som bara vill ligga hemma och krama gamla brev, minnas gamla sms, drömma om gamla drömmar. Och går vidare. Ett litet steg, och broarna bakom mig börjar lukta bensin. En svavellukt av tändstickor och jag vet verkligen inte om det är jag eller någon annan som hotar att förstöra allt.
Hur många gånger kan man börja gråta av att koka gröt? Varför är det helt plötsligt olidligt att hacka äppelbitar i filen?
Det här är så orättvist. Så förutsett ("så fort hon hör att du hånglat med nån annan kommer hon att vilja ha dig tillbaka"). Så osäkert.
Men nu står jag här, och om inte du tar den smärta som krävs för att släcka tändstickan mellan dina fingertoppar, kommer jag snart att tappa den. För jag vågar inte röra mig. Jag vågar bara röra dig.

Så jag skjuter ett brev under din dörr. Skriver ett annat till hela världen. Och försöker stänga dörrrarna som egentligen bara du kan öppna.

Money where my mouth is

If you're feeling in control, you're not dating enough people.

I went out last night, and I guess I was kind of hoping to see this girl from a party a few weeks ago. She had said she would be there this night, and so I carried that little hope in the lining of my coat. Happily I observed the following
1. She was there
2. She still seemed nice
3. She was seated across from me during dinner
4. She was .. flirting, wasn't she?
5. Wait.. is she flirting with me, the guy to her right, or the girl to her left?..
6. The girl next to me is a psychotic, moody, €%&"!
7. She really is showing interest
8. She comes and sits right next to me
9. We talk all night, people point and smile
10. Friend call us over, luring the both of us into a cleverly set trap made from mistle toe
11. We comply, after all it is tradition
12. We comply some more, in a very untraditional like way
13. We keep talking all night
14. Everyone goes to the afterpary
15. We talk in a corner
16. Everybody start to leave and we are the last to realise the party is over and we are being gently kicked out by the hostess

So, that's all good and fine. Great even. Yet again, it seems my fantasies solidify before my eyes. Dangerously though, as the isolatedness of a fantasy is a prerequisite for its exquisiteness. Now, suddenly real, the consequences are coming crashing down around this fantasy and life is complicated further. Outside it's 10 below and no one can survive for long.
But I realise, my complaints are bullshit in a way. My diamond shoes are too tight, my wallet's too big for my $50's... and so on.
I am glad I met this girl, that I had this night to feel good, really good. What I've done to deserve all this I cannot say, but then again, somewhere down the road, the gifts often seem to turn to puzzles, problems, pitfalls.
--

onthedumpsterinthealleybymyhouse

'as you might be noticing: new look to the page! yes, it was finally time to freshen up, I guess. the content however will remain the same moldy comments and bitter observations, because let's face it.. improving the exterior is the only way to go these days, idnit? And at the same time I am reverting to an old pseudonym, a homage to the Babe

Current musical enjoyment
- Diane Cluck: Oh Vanille (thank you Wooliton!)
- Rufus Wainwright: Rufus Wainwright
- Nick Cave: the boatman's call
-Ani difranco: Evolve (listening to Serpentine right now:

"and that knife you stuck in my back is still there
it pinches a little when i sigh and moan
and these days i'm thinkin i could just as soon use
the time alone
---
and behold
those that try to expose the reality
who really try to realize democracy
are shot with rubber bullets and gassed off the streets
while the global power brokers are kept clean and discrete
behind a wall
behind a moat
and that is all
that's all she wrote
---
and i always got the feeling
you just liked to hear it fall

off your tongue

but i remember my name

in your mouth
and i don't think i was done
hearing it close to my ear
on a whisper's way to a moan "

-
This season is keeping me ridiculously tired. My eyes are red as if I was smoking dope all nacht but I really am not. And my nose seems to have gotten stuck in a moment it can't get out of, seeing as I have been snotty for about a year now. And I sneeze a lot. Oh.. oh.. yeah.. you didn't really want to..? No, I guess it wasnt all that interesting, but there you go, that's how tired I am.
-
Thinking about the broken heart situation is really like that metaphorical wound, that you can't keep from scratching and, because of that, wont heal. I feel that, if I could just be completetly absorbed by something for a while now, I would feel better later. Put some distance between me and now.

"you said you needed time
well
you had time"

"I am a party
and she is a school night"

På svenska

sorry if you're not suecophonic... this was a comment by me to Soulfighters blog

---
one: du skriver fortfarande så bra så man blir lite svag

two: visst är det så. man ser, en bit fram på stigen, hur man kommer att traska in i en betongvägg. det är inte ens särskilt övertygande målat, färgen flagnar, och himlen har inte rätt blåfärg. men stannar man? nej. saktar man ens ner på sin naiva promenad? nej, man ler bara och letar frånvarande efter plåster i fickan. för vem vet? kanske är det inte målat på betong.. kanske är det målat på japanskt papper, och man kommer att ramla rakt in i ett en kärlek man inte ens visste fanns.

tre: det svåra med att släppa taget. man kan bli hur lycklig som helst, i en föreställd framtid, med någon man (tydligen) egentligen inte känner så väl som man tror. och det är den drömmen som är så bitterljuv att gå och lägga sig med. som smakar så gott på kvällen. men som gör det så svårt att resa sig ur värmen på morgonen. att öppna ögonen i mörkret.

Drunk on boredom

I wish I was staying up late. For partying. But it's been a really busy week. All work and no play makes me a hungry boy. I had to prepare for some meeting regarding the context of my work, and then there was the Application and The Plan to fill in, i.e. make up some nice story about what I am supposed to do here and how great it will be for the world and all mankind. Kind of random, but good to be getting the proverbial kick in the behind, getting started a little more concretely.
Tonight (now) in the lab for some process work. Going back and forth between this hunk of junk and "The Laser", which incidently is the laser - I just like to make the Dr.Evil joke every time.

Then it's back to my place for some economics. Balancing the account for the Photo Association. And some general meddling and communication on it's behalf.

Then, if I have time, I will maybe get some gaming done - Baldurs Gate - it's captivating I tell you. Otherwise I may just go to bed and watch some Eddie Izzard, a fabulous (hidden meanings are boss) comedian. British. I still say the Brits rule the greatest humour empire of the world. "Oh really? Have they?" and so on..

More later peehaps

That girl again, and this time she likes snow

Baby i've only got a minute

Baby i have to go

A minute is all my life

Will ever allow

Let's grow old

And die together

Let's do it now

Lessons about my self

1) I dream romantically. I calculate cynically.
2) I will fight nail and teeth to stay Hopeful in the face of Promise
3) My need to understand people's thinking is exceeded only by my painstaking dissection of their speaking

And then

I didn't stop

...

"All these moments
will be lost
in time
like tears
in rain"

the bed bugs

I stayed up too late again..