Take me to the worst party in town
Put your finger in my martini
-
Start your iTunes. Click on Radio. Click on "Eclectic" and find PigRadio. I did.
This is Radio Freedom
-
Start your iTunes. Click on Radio. Click on "Eclectic" and find PigRadio. I did.
Standing in the shadows at the end of my bed
In a clear and intense dream last night my cold was diagnosed as a terminal illness. Without any newfound wisdom or clarity, I began living out the last days of my life feeling empty and finally proven right in my prophecies that I could not possibly deserve all this. I remember wearing a bath robe, drinking wine out of a duralex glass.
Go go go kart
There I go, in the lead
And here I come, placing first
And there I stand, tall and proud
And here I come, placing first
And there I stand, tall and proud
Listen closely
..to todays songs, (just click on the "1. Little boxes" and the music player will start..)
Sketches for my sweetheart the football fan
Hi baby
I went to the park this evening. Sitting in a chilly office all day looking out at a perfectly blue sky has made me envy the unemployed, and I felt that I should try to profit from some of the sun instead of just whining about it. So I took my bike and my book and my backpack to the city park, and I found a spot that would offer anther hour or two of waning sunlight. These are the kind of summer days when even these dying rays are warm enough to feed your skin with energy and warmth.
As usual I was alone. This was one of the things I thought about. I am not a very lonely person, and I certainly have no problem socialising or meeting people. To my own surprise, a fantastic group of the worlds most beautiful people gathered in my back yard last saturday for my moving in-party
And I really don't want to make out as if I'm complaning, but I really wonder what it is that I'm not doing, or doing wrong. This is one of those things that make me claim that I have my fair share of social handicaps. There are these things about group socialising that I just don't get. These instinctive flock behaviours that everybody seem to go through with the ease of a water slide, I feel like the only penguin left on the ice. When did everybody else slide in?
Because that's the thing. I have no special preference for this solitude. Sure, I like a fair amount of time on my own, and I have quite a few hobbies to keep me busy, but a lot of times I wouldn't mind going to the park for kubb or whatever.
And let me also add that, sure, maybe I can be little stand-offish. And lazy. So, it's not as if nobody invites me anywhere. That's not it. It's the nuance of never have been apart of a group, never having flown with a flock.
Just a long, brooding thought. Thinking it took a lot shorter than writing it down.
-
And then I thought a longer thought. And this thought was, as I was looking around at all these groups and couples, summer dressed and happy, and having assessed myself as being the only loner
This was a long and floating thought.
I thought it as I was sitting, stealing glances at the happy couple next to me
I thought of it as I wondered where I would take you if we got up north this summer.
I thought of it as I fiddled with my remaining dreadlocks
Hope you read it
Hope you like it
I went to the park this evening. Sitting in a chilly office all day looking out at a perfectly blue sky has made me envy the unemployed, and I felt that I should try to profit from some of the sun instead of just whining about it. So I took my bike and my book and my backpack to the city park, and I found a spot that would offer anther hour or two of waning sunlight. These are the kind of summer days when even these dying rays are warm enough to feed your skin with energy and warmth.
As usual I was alone. This was one of the things I thought about. I am not a very lonely person, and I certainly have no problem socialising or meeting people. To my own surprise, a fantastic group of the worlds most beautiful people gathered in my back yard last saturday for my moving in-party
((I use parenthesis the way you teach me) and there and then I thought of the TAW song where he sings "It's summer here, with the worlds most beautiful people", a very true summer feeling I recognise(and thinking of Tomas of course made me think of you))and this alone could stand as some sort of proof that I have no real trouble making friends. But somehow, and this is what I thought of tonight, as I have many times, somehow I still manage to spend most of my time alone. Days and nights go by, and I can hear of others in short glimpses of another kind of life, where there's always a group of people going out for beer, having a barbecue, playing freesbee. I have seen people from around me mix while I stand here on the sideline, waiting and watching.
And I really don't want to make out as if I'm complaning, but I really wonder what it is that I'm not doing, or doing wrong. This is one of those things that make me claim that I have my fair share of social handicaps. There are these things about group socialising that I just don't get. These instinctive flock behaviours that everybody seem to go through with the ease of a water slide, I feel like the only penguin left on the ice. When did everybody else slide in?
Because that's the thing. I have no special preference for this solitude. Sure, I like a fair amount of time on my own, and I have quite a few hobbies to keep me busy, but a lot of times I wouldn't mind going to the park for kubb or whatever.
And let me also add that, sure, maybe I can be little stand-offish. And lazy. So, it's not as if nobody invites me anywhere. That's not it. It's the nuance of never have been apart of a group, never having flown with a flock.
Just a long, brooding thought. Thinking it took a lot shorter than writing it down.
-
And then I thought a longer thought. And this thought was, as I was looking around at all these groups and couples, summer dressed and happy, and having assessed myself as being the only loner
(and again, I don't want to complain, all I wanted to do was to soak up some sun and read my great book), this next thought I thought was of you. I thought of what I might want more, and I looked at the couple on the next blanket and I really really wanted you, just you, to be there. You wouldn't have to say anything or do anything, I would just have loved to lie with you inches away on a blanket, reading.
This was a long and floating thought.
I thought it as I was sitting, stealing glances at the happy couple next to me
(it seems these days, just about any girl I see, all she does is remind me of you).I thought it as I lay on my back, thinking how the little stringy clouds high above looked the same as still photographs of thin powdered snow being blown into snaky patterns on the asphalt behind timber trucks.
I thought of it as I wondered where I would take you if we got up north this summer.
I thought of it as I fiddled with my remaining dreadlocks
(I haven't told you yet, but I finally cut them. Now, there's only a tuft of them left, hare-krishna style, on my head).I thought of you, and then I thought I'd write this open letter to you.
Hope you read it
Hope you like it
There were three police cars and a fire engine as well
Yo skids
Last night I went out walking at 3 am. I thought I might get some interesting photos of Uppsala. And maybe I did or maybe I didn't, but I did have some strange experiences. Two meetings of an older generations quite polarised views of ME, or rather of the Youth.
The first was while I was taking some photos of grafitti paintings in an underpass. A couple around 45-50, slightly drunk, happened by. The man, who did most of the communicating asked what I was doing and if he also could be in the "film". I said they were only stills, but to humor him I took his picture. As they parted, jovially staggering supported by each other, he made affirmations as to the necessety to Live for Art.
At the end of my walkabout I had to cross the train tracks at the station house to get home. As I walked along the platform, a bell started chiming and a flashing light told me to "stop". So I did. And as I had my camera with me and nothing better to do while I waited, I set the tripod up and looked around for the train to come. A man from across the tracks adressed me. I don't remember his exact frasings, but he kept asking what I was doing and what I would take a picture of. Confused I tried to keep a ready out for the train while saying that it was the oncoming train I was photographing. He seemed agitated and angry and finally his line of questioning revealed why. "It's because it's painted isn't it?" he said. "Why else would someone be out at this time". I was shocked and delighted to have been mistaken for a delinquent, and felt a surge of adrenalin. I argued with him for a while, saying he was a very prejudiced man, and that had he looked around at the glowing pink morining sky he would understand that there are many reasons to take a camera out at 3:30 in the morning. He, meanwhile, didn't relent, didn't listen. Finally, realising he could do nothing about the situation, neither the real one nor his imagined one, the bitter conductor growled "Well, now I know what you look like". I congratulated him as he was walking away and the train entered the station. I didn't get any good shots, but I am thinking of documenting train grafitti and tags as a photo project.
Gnight
Last night I went out walking at 3 am. I thought I might get some interesting photos of Uppsala. And maybe I did or maybe I didn't, but I did have some strange experiences. Two meetings of an older generations quite polarised views of ME, or rather of the Youth.
The first was while I was taking some photos of grafitti paintings in an underpass. A couple around 45-50, slightly drunk, happened by. The man, who did most of the communicating asked what I was doing and if he also could be in the "film". I said they were only stills, but to humor him I took his picture. As they parted, jovially staggering supported by each other, he made affirmations as to the necessety to Live for Art.
At the end of my walkabout I had to cross the train tracks at the station house to get home. As I walked along the platform, a bell started chiming and a flashing light told me to "stop". So I did. And as I had my camera with me and nothing better to do while I waited, I set the tripod up and looked around for the train to come. A man from across the tracks adressed me. I don't remember his exact frasings, but he kept asking what I was doing and what I would take a picture of. Confused I tried to keep a ready out for the train while saying that it was the oncoming train I was photographing. He seemed agitated and angry and finally his line of questioning revealed why. "It's because it's painted isn't it?" he said. "Why else would someone be out at this time". I was shocked and delighted to have been mistaken for a delinquent, and felt a surge of adrenalin. I argued with him for a while, saying he was a very prejudiced man, and that had he looked around at the glowing pink morining sky he would understand that there are many reasons to take a camera out at 3:30 in the morning. He, meanwhile, didn't relent, didn't listen. Finally, realising he could do nothing about the situation, neither the real one nor his imagined one, the bitter conductor growled "Well, now I know what you look like". I congratulated him as he was walking away and the train entered the station. I didn't get any good shots, but I am thinking of documenting train grafitti and tags as a photo project.
Gnight
Part II - In which a world record is broken
So, since I promised I better get on with my story of how I spent my time on Ireland.The Girl met me at the bus stop. It was surreal. It was like coming home and still feeling like a stranger in a strange land. Again with her, I was filled with the sensation of being out of place, undeserving, like I was mistaken for someone else and let into a fancy party.
Walking home to her place, we just talked and kissed. I don't remember this time in any great detail, still upset and focused on my material losses and the precarious situation it had caused me. Dropping off my stuff was the plan, but we fell into each other and rested at her place for a while. I have to add that it was quite a dump. Sorry baby, but I think you felt so too.
Then we strolled over to Baby's sister to watch Lost and pick up an extra pillow and a cdplayer. As I look back, writing this, that looks good, the bare essentials. Two lovers, a pillow and a cdplayer. And from the memories, more than any street or café in Galway, those things seem to have taken a big place.
Sister was nice, she didn't grill me, she didn't give me the evil eye, the crook eye or even the stink eye. I was somehow expecting her to be very protective. Why? I don't know. Because of how precious I feel the Girl is perhaps. We spent an hour or so with her and her flatmates, watching Lost as I said, and they were nice as well.
The first few days went as follows. Kissing a lot, hugging a lot, walking a lot, sleeping some, buying stuff i needed, going to cafés. Wednesday night, we arranged so that I and Sister was to cook, as The Girl was at work (café, part time) and we whipped up quite a nice dinner. An eclectic mix of simple and yet exquisite foods such as blue cheese gratinated tomatoes, bruschetta, grilled vegetables, wine... I felt we did a good job, and got a chance to get to know each other a bit. Which also went well.
Thursday, we had made plans to rome a bit, so we hired a car and took it for a few miles around some really strange places before finding the routes we were looking for and finally the Letterfrack Old Monastery hostel. It was like a little adventure, driving around the islands west of Galway, ending up at a cul-de-sac called Lettermullen which at least had a small store which supplied us with cookies, bananas, apples and informed us of our actual lokation which was a hop, skip and a jump from where we thought we were. Backtracking, we took some precautions to ask for the way when in doubt.
Coming up toward the Connemara, it finally felt like we were moving somewhere. Mountains rose out of the mist, and the road signs were back to English, having been all in Irish during our stumble in the western county Galway. Slaloming through, we stopped a few times just to get a look and take some air in. At some point, the stunning Kylemore Abbey came out of the trees across a small lake, like a Disneyland Castle but better.This was my second trip to the
Old Monastery, and I loved it again. Such a nice hostel, with a feeling that is for me unique. I promised yet again to return and spend more time. During thursday afternoon we managed to go for a naturewalk in the connemara national park, eat a tiny serving of veggie spring rolls, drive what I think was called the Connemara ring, and last but not least, sneak into the grounds of the aforementioned Abbey where we met some spooky girls who spoke with a german accent, smoked and rode skateboards. Ghosts, most likely, because who ever heard of an all-girl boarding school run by nuns in this day and age. "There used to be a school there but something terrible happened.. " and so forth.We spent only one night there. I felt we could have spent forever. This is now 4 nights together and I was still feeling like it was all amazing. So much for worrying about annoying each other after a while.
Instead we raced back in the morning, afraid to be late with the rental car. Of course we were hours ahead of time. Friday night I was beginning to feel the beginning of the end. I knew, The Girl would be working saturday, and so, time was suddenly not on our side but against us.
Saturday, I went with Sister and her friends to Lahinch to attend a Guinness world record attempt at getting the most surfers on a single wave. Although the weather was really the worst, that is calm, cold and completely still. Finally the tide brought in some surfable waves and, i have learned in retrospect, they actually did beat the record. Something like 46 surfers on one single wave. It left me relatively untouched, but I did appreciate the band that was playing before the attempt AND the pie I had for lunch.
As the afternoon progressed I kept looking at my watch. I didn't want to get back late to Galway. I really didn't want to miss a moment with The Girl. Fortunately we got back before she got off work.
Then I spent the last night in Galway.
Then I went home.
The End.
Amazingly so
Before I had a chance to (haha, i had plenty chances.. but before I chose to) comment on my new living situation it changed.
Last friday I moved my ass and all of my worldly possesions to a new room in a new apartment - right downtown. I am now crammed into a slightly smaller space facing the central station.
What I was gonna say about that was the four really nice people I've moved in with. But mere moments ago two of them announced that they're moving out. It's a couple, and they're moving into the girls parents house while they are away and then.. not back here. Still shellshocked I don't know if there is any drama behind their decision, but needless to say it does not put me at ease one bit.
One upside to it however is that I know can move into her/their room.. which is bigger than the one I'm in and has...the balcony! That wont be a big shame I guess. But, I wouldn't have minded living in this room at all, and I'm sure that they were both nice people to hang with, at least that's my first impressions.
-
I had so much nice things to say, about the apartment which is big and bright and perfectly situated, and about the guys living here who are friendly, cool and fun. But now I feel hesitant and also a fair bit tired.
-
Anyhoo; if you're looking for a place to live in Uppsala, just drop me a line and I'll hook you up in this nice place.
Field Commander Cohen
"It's hard to hold the hand of anyone
who is reaching for the sky just to surrender"
According to the latest polls
i have the life of a Folkpartist.. i feel violated and betrayed..
(DN test)
Fp -77%
Mp -58%
M -52%
V -48%
C -38%
Kd -35%
S -26%
(DN test)
Fp -77%
Mp -58%
M -52%
V -48%
C -38%
Kd -35%
S -26%
Songlines
"Je sens sur tes levres une odeur de fievre de gosse mal nourri.
Et sous ta caresse je sens une ivresse qui m'aneantit."
-Rufus Wainwright
---
"Her heart's a menagerie
of coffee stained diaries"
-Tony Roberts
Part I - In which a part of me gets lost
Let's see for how long I'll have energy..
-
Came back last night at 1am to Uppsala after what has been a long and complex week.
1st things 1st, and where I went initially was Glasgow, to meet my friends B and I. This here to the left is them, on top of some hill in Edinburgh.
-
The first day was a saturday and we went to do some sporting to give the weekend a good start. I put away 2k in the swimming pool while the B knocked some (shuttle-)cocks around. Suitably fit for fight we then hit the town for some bean burgers at bar91.
Then we went back home, chilled with cups o tea, the backbone of brittania. Mr L was arriving during the day, and we made arrangements to meet up later. We took the car to Balfron outside of Glasgow where B was to partake in an event about a Gambian village and the projects of
exchange and development that was underway between it and a Scottish village school. B is involved in a solar project, which is going to install a small solar electric system in the village, providing artificial light, a medical refridgerator and perhaps some additional power for a computer station.
The evening was interesting and inspiring for the most part.
-
then we went back to glasgow for the traumatising experience of tumbling down the crabbit hole into B's sister bachelorette party. Six highly intoxicated young women in purple glitter wigs, dancing, shouting, drinking and generally making very little sense. They were nice though, groping aside.
we par-teed at McPhlabbs pub until and beyond closing time, the girls left earlier, but we stayde on for drinks with the barman. In retrospect i feel like the drinks may have been watered down, because I can't understand otherwise how i could still be standing.
Not letting this stop us, we went to "Cantremebere" nicht-club for dancing to the classics like MMMMmmmbop and others. During some confusion when we left, B ordered two Jack and Cokes. Realising he was the only one left inside, he determedly downed both of them and came out to join the rest of us.
-
Sunday, we slept in. Then went to Edinburgh for a daytrip, just walking around in a hazy foggy city. I was feeling weird, carsick or hungover. Coldsweating. We did the city mostly in a car and then climbed onto a hill (see photo on top). After the hill we dove into pizzas and colas as if they were life-boats. I felt saved and helped and cured. Then we went for coffee.
-
Sunday night we went to see some live jazz, but ended up at salsa-night. All beat and tired, we ended early and went to sleep.
-
Monday I got into town with B, bought a bottle of scotch and left for the airport.
-
Flight to Dublin. Arrived into rain and felt like shit. Nervous, dizzy. I found the bus to Galway and borded it. As the four hour ride neared it's end I felt better. The sun was coming out and I was listening to good music in my iAudio and I could feel quietly optimistic. Still, I couldn't get that I would soon see her.
-
I sank completely as I got off the bus in Galway. I couldn't find my bag in the luggage compartment. Well, couldn't find sounds wrong. It wasn't there. No bags where left after the other people got theirs. So I could coldly conclude that mine was gone. Some knuckle-head, sheit-for-brains, pure evil little pissant took it out of the luggage compartment somwhere during the ride. It fried my brain. Realisation of what I had in it came to me in flashing shocks, like blows to the head. My presents for Her. My glasses and contact lenses. All my clothes, my favourite clothes. My favourite shoes. My house keys. My cellphone-charger. Instead of arriving to a safe home, I found my self being pushed of the plank, panicking.
Luckily, only seconds later She arrived and could take me in her arms, a lot weaker and more vulnerable than I wanted to be. When she held me, I realised that things were already getting better. Those first minutes of panic where past, and I was moving away from them. During the following days I had to face many moments of materialistic anguish, feeling like a part of me had been cut off. Most of the practical problems were solved within 24hrs. I got new lenses, new underwear and a pair of shoes and some tshirts.
In part II i'll tell you how things went with me, the Girl and Time.
-
Came back last night at 1am to Uppsala after what has been a long and complex week.
1st things 1st, and where I went initially was Glasgow, to meet my friends B and I. This here to the left is them, on top of some hill in Edinburgh.-
The first day was a saturday and we went to do some sporting to give the weekend a good start. I put away 2k in the swimming pool while the B knocked some (shuttle-)cocks around. Suitably fit for fight we then hit the town for some bean burgers at bar91.
Then we went back home, chilled with cups o tea, the backbone of brittania. Mr L was arriving during the day, and we made arrangements to meet up later. We took the car to Balfron outside of Glasgow where B was to partake in an event about a Gambian village and the projects of
exchange and development that was underway between it and a Scottish village school. B is involved in a solar project, which is going to install a small solar electric system in the village, providing artificial light, a medical refridgerator and perhaps some additional power for a computer station.The evening was interesting and inspiring for the most part.
-
then we went back to glasgow for the traumatising experience of tumbling down the crabbit hole into B's sister bachelorette party. Six highly intoxicated young women in purple glitter wigs, dancing, shouting, drinking and generally making very little sense. They were nice though, groping aside.
we par-teed at McPhlabbs pub until and beyond closing time, the girls left earlier, but we stayde on for drinks with the barman. In retrospect i feel like the drinks may have been watered down, because I can't understand otherwise how i could still be standing.
Not letting this stop us, we went to "Cantremebere" nicht-club for dancing to the classics like MMMMmmmbop and others. During some confusion when we left, B ordered two Jack and Cokes. Realising he was the only one left inside, he determedly downed both of them and came out to join the rest of us.
-
Sunday, we slept in. Then went to Edinburgh for a daytrip, just walking around in a hazy foggy city. I was feeling weird, carsick or hungover. Coldsweating. We did the city mostly in a car and then climbed onto a hill (see photo on top). After the hill we dove into pizzas and colas as if they were life-boats. I felt saved and helped and cured. Then we went for coffee.
-
Sunday night we went to see some live jazz, but ended up at salsa-night. All beat and tired, we ended early and went to sleep.
-
Monday I got into town with B, bought a bottle of scotch and left for the airport.
-
Flight to Dublin. Arrived into rain and felt like shit. Nervous, dizzy. I found the bus to Galway and borded it. As the four hour ride neared it's end I felt better. The sun was coming out and I was listening to good music in my iAudio and I could feel quietly optimistic. Still, I couldn't get that I would soon see her.-
I sank completely as I got off the bus in Galway. I couldn't find my bag in the luggage compartment. Well, couldn't find sounds wrong. It wasn't there. No bags where left after the other people got theirs. So I could coldly conclude that mine was gone. Some knuckle-head, sheit-for-brains, pure evil little pissant took it out of the luggage compartment somwhere during the ride. It fried my brain. Realisation of what I had in it came to me in flashing shocks, like blows to the head. My presents for Her. My glasses and contact lenses. All my clothes, my favourite clothes. My favourite shoes. My house keys. My cellphone-charger. Instead of arriving to a safe home, I found my self being pushed of the plank, panicking.
Luckily, only seconds later She arrived and could take me in her arms, a lot weaker and more vulnerable than I wanted to be. When she held me, I realised that things were already getting better. Those first minutes of panic where past, and I was moving away from them. During the following days I had to face many moments of materialistic anguish, feeling like a part of me had been cut off. Most of the practical problems were solved within 24hrs. I got new lenses, new underwear and a pair of shoes and some tshirts.
In part II i'll tell you how things went with me, the Girl and Time.
Make it shorter
Hya
Just a quick word to say, hello
I'm in Ireland now, in Galway, in a sunny and warm and unexpected climate.
First night on the island, i took the bus from dublin airport and some f~cker stole my bag off the bus. I hate that person. Because he (statistically) didn't really get Anything of value, to him (except a bottle of single malt), but he robbed me of some of my absolutely favourite clothes, my glasses AND contact lenses, the gifts I brought from sweden (candy and a book) and a pretty good backpack.
A##hole
D#ckhead
So, thats that. I'm fine now, really. This will ebb and flow and perculate for a while until evaporated. I am remedying the practical chaos left in its wake by shopping new stuff in fair trade stores. I have fair shoes.
Being with the girl is heaven. I'm thinking dirty thoughts and then acting on them.
Now, I gotta go. Shop for dinner. Meet up with the sister of the girl and start cooking.
Have a good one til next time..
Just a quick word to say, hello
I'm in Ireland now, in Galway, in a sunny and warm and unexpected climate.
First night on the island, i took the bus from dublin airport and some f~cker stole my bag off the bus. I hate that person. Because he (statistically) didn't really get Anything of value, to him (except a bottle of single malt), but he robbed me of some of my absolutely favourite clothes, my glasses AND contact lenses, the gifts I brought from sweden (candy and a book) and a pretty good backpack.
A##hole
D#ckhead
So, thats that. I'm fine now, really. This will ebb and flow and perculate for a while until evaporated. I am remedying the practical chaos left in its wake by shopping new stuff in fair trade stores. I have fair shoes.
Being with the girl is heaven. I'm thinking dirty thoughts and then acting on them.
Now, I gotta go. Shop for dinner. Meet up with the sister of the girl and start cooking.
Have a good one til next time..
in other words, hold my hand
so, i'll probably go offline for about a week
tonight i'm headin out to scotland, glasgow, to meet see B and meet up with I. There i'll spend the weekend, probably pubin' a bit and maybe buyin a bottle'o'scotch or two. there'll be good times i'm sure.
then, come monday, i am goinga away home. away to ireland, to the woman i want to call home. for the first time in our history we'll get to spend 24 consecutive hours together. up that, we'll actually get to spend around 168 consecutive hours together (that is, if she doesn't get a job, or throw me out). what a scary thing.
here
two people who lived their life
squeezed in between
work
and sleep
and all the little obligations
of everyday
stealing from the account
of respectable hours
from the essence of sleep
here and there
a few moments of
quietly
falling
in
love
with the smell and touch of another person
with another person
and now
nothing to do
but all we ever wanted
how scary is that
i ask
what could be more risky
than getting what you wish for
then hitting what you head for
-
so, yeah, i am shaky
i mean, i know that i cannot know what will happend
but.. really.. mostly.. i just cannot wait to find out
-
and as i said,
prbably offline for a while
don't worry
i'll be back
and nothing will ever be the same
the one thing you can count on
ciao
tonight i'm headin out to scotland, glasgow, to meet see B and meet up with I. There i'll spend the weekend, probably pubin' a bit and maybe buyin a bottle'o'scotch or two. there'll be good times i'm sure.
then, come monday, i am goinga away home. away to ireland, to the woman i want to call home. for the first time in our history we'll get to spend 24 consecutive hours together. up that, we'll actually get to spend around 168 consecutive hours together (that is, if she doesn't get a job, or throw me out). what a scary thing.
here
two people who lived their life
squeezed in between
work
and sleep
and all the little obligations
of everyday
stealing from the account
of respectable hours
from the essence of sleep
here and there
a few moments of
quietly
falling
in
love
with the smell and touch of another person
with another person
and now
nothing to do
but all we ever wanted
how scary is that
i ask
what could be more risky
than getting what you wish for
then hitting what you head for
-
so, yeah, i am shaky
i mean, i know that i cannot know what will happend
but.. really.. mostly.. i just cannot wait to find out
-
and as i said,
prbably offline for a while
don't worry
i'll be back
and nothing will ever be the same
the one thing you can count on
ciao
Carrisa Plains
the decision to go had been taken long ago. it was one of those times when i was thinking my clearest on my feet. in mid-discussion, a dynamic dialogue like a road-trip along new roads in your home county, my answer to what i would do if she left came within a moments reflection.
- i'd have to leave. i'd go to new york.
the statement left me looking out at my future with the sense of having left childhood and innocence. i was sitting in a life-boat made of my only real dream, watching my world sink.
that was 3 years ago. she left only a year later. new york carried me around for a few years, and for a while i thought things were gonna be ok for me. but now i am standing in carrisa, with a gun in my bag, knowing that if someone picks me up and recognises me, i will most likely have to kill them.
- i'd have to leave. i'd go to new york.
the statement left me looking out at my future with the sense of having left childhood and innocence. i was sitting in a life-boat made of my only real dream, watching my world sink.
that was 3 years ago. she left only a year later. new york carried me around for a few years, and for a while i thought things were gonna be ok for me. but now i am standing in carrisa, with a gun in my bag, knowing that if someone picks me up and recognises me, i will most likely have to kill them.
A dry brain
A long dazed journey into night
-
Today is the day after one of Uppsalas biggest parties, the last of April or Valborgsmässoafton (old pagan rituals, burning fires to scare off the witches, I believe). It being so, it is also the day after I got embarrassingly drunk. Like the stupid kid in a candy store I can be around alcohol, I went to far again. Fell asleep far to early, which resulted in me and my mates spending the evening at my place, generally just sobering up and talking.
But that was yesterday. And this is today. I am having gut-wrenching anxiety about the complete idiocy of the thing. I SHOULD know better. I SHOULD've learned by now. But, nooooo. I guess it couldve been worse. The only bad things I did was dance around and talk in a stupid (Borat) voice, shout a bit, and loose my friends train-tickets (which he cleverly stored in a plastic bag containing beer bottles that may or may not have been emptied). I also picked up some useless junk in my drunken cleptomaniacal way: a comb, a bag from with the logo of a swedish magazine, Solo, written on it, and a blood alcohol level of 45 %..
so I am mortally ashamed, my soul feels like its been slapped across the cheek.
-
The day was good however. I was wellbehaved for most of it. We spent it first sitting in the Ekonomikum park, having a Max lunch (best veggie-burger) and some whine. Then we did a little loop-di-loop thing, going into town centre for a coffee and a toilet break, rounding up some of Å(friend who was here)'s friends, returning a few hours back in the park. There we sat down for about 4 hours, just chatting away with her friends, their friends, some italians walking by, someones brother, some spanish people walking by, etc. By the end of this sitting, I had reached some sort of new peak of drunkenness, unheard of before. We decided to pop back home for a pizza dinner and a change before preceeding to a party or barbecue somewhere. Most of this time is rememberd by me in flashes. Stumbling along the sidewalk. Wrapping the picnic blanket around me. By the time we'd had pizza, I went into my room for something and promtly fell asleep. My friends, with big hearts, didn't seem to mind that this state would mean (by my choice) that we wouldn't be going to any barbecue. I tried to usher them away to have fun with the other guys from the park, but the kind gentle creatures stayed on at my place. We ended up just chatting for some 4 more hours, me drinking copious amounts of water to replenish what must've been an almost empty stock.
It was a fantastic day. I met some really nice people. But I still feel soo bad for being such a sponge when it comes to alcohol..
-
Evening is upon me, and I'll just watch simpsons till I fall asleep.
Goodnight.
-
Today is the day after one of Uppsalas biggest parties, the last of April or Valborgsmässoafton (old pagan rituals, burning fires to scare off the witches, I believe). It being so, it is also the day after I got embarrassingly drunk. Like the stupid kid in a candy store I can be around alcohol, I went to far again. Fell asleep far to early, which resulted in me and my mates spending the evening at my place, generally just sobering up and talking.
But that was yesterday. And this is today. I am having gut-wrenching anxiety about the complete idiocy of the thing. I SHOULD know better. I SHOULD've learned by now. But, nooooo. I guess it couldve been worse. The only bad things I did was dance around and talk in a stupid (Borat) voice, shout a bit, and loose my friends train-tickets (which he cleverly stored in a plastic bag containing beer bottles that may or may not have been emptied). I also picked up some useless junk in my drunken cleptomaniacal way: a comb, a bag from with the logo of a swedish magazine, Solo, written on it, and a blood alcohol level of 45 %..
so I am mortally ashamed, my soul feels like its been slapped across the cheek.
-
The day was good however. I was wellbehaved for most of it. We spent it first sitting in the Ekonomikum park, having a Max lunch (best veggie-burger) and some whine. Then we did a little loop-di-loop thing, going into town centre for a coffee and a toilet break, rounding up some of Å(friend who was here)'s friends, returning a few hours back in the park. There we sat down for about 4 hours, just chatting away with her friends, their friends, some italians walking by, someones brother, some spanish people walking by, etc. By the end of this sitting, I had reached some sort of new peak of drunkenness, unheard of before. We decided to pop back home for a pizza dinner and a change before preceeding to a party or barbecue somewhere. Most of this time is rememberd by me in flashes. Stumbling along the sidewalk. Wrapping the picnic blanket around me. By the time we'd had pizza, I went into my room for something and promtly fell asleep. My friends, with big hearts, didn't seem to mind that this state would mean (by my choice) that we wouldn't be going to any barbecue. I tried to usher them away to have fun with the other guys from the park, but the kind gentle creatures stayed on at my place. We ended up just chatting for some 4 more hours, me drinking copious amounts of water to replenish what must've been an almost empty stock.
It was a fantastic day. I met some really nice people. But I still feel soo bad for being such a sponge when it comes to alcohol..
-
Evening is upon me, and I'll just watch simpsons till I fall asleep.
Goodnight.
Startling new news and amazing revelations
Lately, i feel i've been a bit whining and stuff. Partly on the blog, and surely also in emails, and IRL. Well, let's put that crap behind us shall we.
I'm working alot, yes, but only because I really want to. I mean, I want to learn a bunch of crap about these solar cells and stuff, so I'll be able to answer any questions any time, and so I'll hold this project in my hands with questions in my head as to where I want to take it. Generellay if you feel pulled by the nose, you can either pick up pace or grab a bolt cutter and emacipate yourself. Right now, I have no desire to be free from this, but I want to be free IN what I am doing. In control. Hey, I guess even IN POWER. And I'm getting there. And it is interesting. And I hope this doesn't also sound like complaining.
So. Summer is ever closer. Gaaaawd that feels nice! Dun'iit? As I may have mentioned I am totally caught in fierce reveries related to recreations this summer. Ireland trip in two weeks. Norway trip later. And a bike-camp with KD and ED around the High Coast. And as much as I daydream about the trips themselves and the Great Times with Great Friends, I have also slipped into quite a bit of what we in sweden call "prylbögeri" (i.e. materialism directed towards necessary or unnecessary gadgets of considerable price). I want new Climatech® Heavy Mp pants, new Polartec® Power Stretch® jersey, new Techno Trail® Cooking kit, new foldable knife... needless to say, all of it completely necessary and reasonably priced. Oh, and a new small backpack.
--
Missing my girlfriend is less exhilerating and more painful these days. At first it was ok, I could sit around and think about her and really just smile. But as time goes by, I wish more and more that I could see her. And I guess, now I shouldn't complain since it's only two weeks till i drop in on her in Eire.
--
Well. Heh. Im happy, really I am.. Yeahh.
I'm working alot, yes, but only because I really want to. I mean, I want to learn a bunch of crap about these solar cells and stuff, so I'll be able to answer any questions any time, and so I'll hold this project in my hands with questions in my head as to where I want to take it. Generellay if you feel pulled by the nose, you can either pick up pace or grab a bolt cutter and emacipate yourself. Right now, I have no desire to be free from this, but I want to be free IN what I am doing. In control. Hey, I guess even IN POWER. And I'm getting there. And it is interesting. And I hope this doesn't also sound like complaining.
So. Summer is ever closer. Gaaaawd that feels nice! Dun'iit? As I may have mentioned I am totally caught in fierce reveries related to recreations this summer. Ireland trip in two weeks. Norway trip later. And a bike-camp with KD and ED around the High Coast. And as much as I daydream about the trips themselves and the Great Times with Great Friends, I have also slipped into quite a bit of what we in sweden call "prylbögeri" (i.e. materialism directed towards necessary or unnecessary gadgets of considerable price). I want new Climatech® Heavy Mp pants, new Polartec® Power Stretch® jersey, new Techno Trail® Cooking kit, new foldable knife... needless to say, all of it completely necessary and reasonably priced. Oh, and a new small backpack.
--
Missing my girlfriend is less exhilerating and more painful these days. At first it was ok, I could sit around and think about her and really just smile. But as time goes by, I wish more and more that I could see her. And I guess, now I shouldn't complain since it's only two weeks till i drop in on her in Eire.
--
Well. Heh. Im happy, really I am.. Yeahh.
Do you like to watch?
So, in my pursuit, my poursuite, of happines and integrity I am looking around for the optimal web-base photo-sharing community/site/thingy... (Any tips accepted with grinning teeth and crooked eyebrows..).
Added four of my test sites to the links on the side. All the site have been awarded with different pics, mostly old but many unpublished. Pleas give me any feedback you can think of, both for the photos as well as for the sites and their maneuverability, look, feel, anything..
And to the avid readers and my friends, I know you've all been wondering about this woman/goddess that I have ben (ben? who's ben? oh.. been.. noted 2006-04-21) graced with, so I recommend you go to the DropShots account and check out the two photos from the 12/4, depicting said beauty.
Word. Mout.
Added four of my test sites to the links on the side. All the site have been awarded with different pics, mostly old but many unpublished. Pleas give me any feedback you can think of, both for the photos as well as for the sites and their maneuverability, look, feel, anything..
And to the avid readers and my friends, I know you've all been wondering about this woman/goddess that I have ben (ben? who's ben? oh.. been.. noted 2006-04-21) graced with, so I recommend you go to the DropShots account and check out the two photos from the 12/4, depicting said beauty.
Word. Mout.
Another Ani Song
He says he loves her
He says he's changing
And he can keep her warm
And so she sits there like america
Suffering through slow reform
But she'll never get back the time
And the years sneak by
One by one
She is still playing the martyr
I am still praying for revloution
And she still doesn't have what she deserves
But she wakes up smiling every day
She never really expected more
That's just not the way we are raised
And i say to her,
You know,
There's plenty of really great men out there
But she doesn't hear me
She's looking in the mirror
She's fixing her hair
I have to turn away from this terrible drug
I had a bit of a confrontation with my self last night. You see, I was in a situation where everything was right, I mean that all known factors and were beneficial, and yet at what I felt should've been the peak and culmination of a great evening I turned a corner into complete darkness. Clarification: Right after work I met up with some friends, possibly the best, most intimate and kind friends I have here in Uppsala, and we settled in the semi-warming afternoon sun for the years first barbecue. A great meal was ingested. Laughter, smiles and all the kind words were exchanged. The chilling breath of evening ushered us inside and we kept on. Coffee and TV and videogame and guitar and back rub and more of the joking and the laughter. Hours later, I was sitting on the couch feeling completely alone and weird. I lost foothold, and instead of sliding or tripping it meant a stumble into a nothingness. A fall into a bottomless pit. No landing, no wind rushing past. Just empty, dark and quiet
In the dark I sat for a while, bewildered. What had happened. Why was I there, and everyone else outside. And then I felt a familiar breath on my neck. A monster from years past exhaling through fangs of ivory. Not far had I moved. Not far enough from the places I'd been, to escape this monster. But lessons learned are lessons learned. I rose, turned around to face the beast, and backed calmly out the door. I rode my bike through a trembling night home, the beast left sitting on a couch in my friends aparment.
In the dark I sat for a while, bewildered. What had happened. Why was I there, and everyone else outside. And then I felt a familiar breath on my neck. A monster from years past exhaling through fangs of ivory. Not far had I moved. Not far enough from the places I'd been, to escape this monster. But lessons learned are lessons learned. I rose, turned around to face the beast, and backed calmly out the door. I rode my bike through a trembling night home, the beast left sitting on a couch in my friends aparment.
The boy who cried stress
A week ago since last posted.
-
I know a million things are supposed to happend. But I have the Fear, and I want to run a way. It's the way we humans are built, you know. Fight or flight, that is our choice of reactions to any situation. Any situation that is not a simple and habitual chewing of cud. I like the way someone said that the predator without natural enemies would compartmentalise his world. If it moves - it's food. If it doesn't - it's a rock. Well, I am no predator and I feel like I'm surrounded by enemies and natural disaster. Where to run; into the forest fire, or towards the wolves.
I sink down next to a cool and comforting wall. Rock. Rock. Rock.
"It's always like this', he tells himself. 'The Fear and then a rush of Courage and the clean sweet feeling of being born'. He'd read that somewhere in an old western. But the Fear can go on and on until you can't stand it. It's going to break you, and that's when the Fear breaks. You hope." -BurroughsDays seem to pass at an alarming rate. At least when I regard work. Always it becomes harder to actually achieve the goals set for this day, this week. Instead, a headache of guilt and stress settles in my cranium. I see days pass, deadlines approaching like so many brick walls, and all I manage to do is hide in my dreams. The more I need to focus, the less I do. My head is in summer, in norway, on Eire. My arms are paddling water, walking a stick, pulling someone close enough to smell. My hands, my eyes, my nose; all are off on some separate and elusive adventure, leaving only a lonely heart to bear the load of every day life. My stomach tries to help, but only shrivels up and accumulates acids. I need an injection of Now. A realisation of Presence. A shot of adrenaline to the heart, once an hour, to burn me through all these papers, tapdance my fingers through this report.
-
"It suddenly occured to him that he was going to die. Not sooner or later, he knew that of course, but tonight."-
I know a million things are supposed to happend. But I have the Fear, and I want to run a way. It's the way we humans are built, you know. Fight or flight, that is our choice of reactions to any situation. Any situation that is not a simple and habitual chewing of cud. I like the way someone said that the predator without natural enemies would compartmentalise his world. If it moves - it's food. If it doesn't - it's a rock. Well, I am no predator and I feel like I'm surrounded by enemies and natural disaster. Where to run; into the forest fire, or towards the wolves.
I sink down next to a cool and comforting wall. Rock. Rock. Rock.
Beeefcake!
Well, I'll just let my guard down here for a second and say that
I wish she would just call
I wish she would just call
Lately I'm listening an obscene amount to
I wish she would just call
I wish she would just call
Lately I'm listening an obscene amount to
Diane Cluck:
"And red ants are moving with their sick and withered comrades
They carry the bodies of the withered in their mouths
Because it is no big deal
Hey, what else is there to do
But set your sight on something and pull your tangles through
Oh I would have gone crooked but for you
-
Hey I feel steady and I feel good
Light and emptied of last night's food
Theres a mountain ahead
When I'm ready to go up from the edge of the turnaround road"
How to jump the Grand Canyon with an office chair
Yesterday my lady left the country for the Isle of Green, Eire. I'm stupid enough not to get what's happening yet, and so I am still not on the floor, crying. Maybe I wont be. Maybe now, I've suffered through thtat, grown past it, matured. I mean, I realise she's far away, and I wont' see her for a while, but that still is eclipsed by the glowing light of happiness that it is to even know her. To have kissed her. To have held her.
It's scary nonetheless, these months ahead, being forced to face the ever present fact that no one, ever, really can say what's going to be in the future. Something you easily forget when the days are linked like a chain and not separated by a Grand Canyon of Time. I know things will change during this time. I know we both will. But I have no idea what that will mean for our relation. For the chemistry of combustion between us. Was the abyss of her leaving a catalyst to our Love. Or was it an inhibitor. Will things burn brighter next time we mix. Will they simply separate, like oil and vinegar.
"it may look like I'm brooding
not getting much done
but, oh, there is a cure here
the light is very pure here"
It's scary nonetheless, these months ahead, being forced to face the ever present fact that no one, ever, really can say what's going to be in the future. Something you easily forget when the days are linked like a chain and not separated by a Grand Canyon of Time. I know things will change during this time. I know we both will. But I have no idea what that will mean for our relation. For the chemistry of combustion between us. Was the abyss of her leaving a catalyst to our Love. Or was it an inhibitor. Will things burn brighter next time we mix. Will they simply separate, like oil and vinegar.
"it may look like I'm brooding
not getting much done
but, oh, there is a cure here
the light is very pure here"
musings in the morning glory
Waking up
the feeling of emptyness and distance is still with me
it's like my own stomach is rebelling against me
against any sense really
so I need to do something
I turn on the cdplayer
flip to a track I know well
turn the volume well up
and let it echo across the white bare walls of my apartment
so comes the relief of emotion
flood gates open
realisation that what I need is sensitation
sensitation to anything, to everything around me
everything that can become clouded over by dark thoughts
bad self esteem
all these roads I've been down too many times
to have any excuse to go back there
I need a boost
a voice that lifts my chin
and lets me see the light that comes through
reflecting brightness on a virgin cover of snow
So even though my plants are dying
euthanasia
and my things are scattered as if by a smart bomb gone stupid hit my living room
erupted
tossing cds, tshirts, socks, bills, books, cords, newspapers
in all directions
And maybe it's hard
but there's always a choice
what to accept as a mood
and what not to let enter into your mind and take over
I have a million things to enjoy today
can't keep this up
the only thing is i miss the only thing i don't have within arms length
it's strange how someone so quickly can find a place in your life
so naturally
that their absence leaves behind a void
a space only they can fill
-
ah! no more of this brooding and rambling. time for breakfast!
the feeling of emptyness and distance is still with me
it's like my own stomach is rebelling against me
against any sense really
so I need to do something
I turn on the cdplayer
flip to a track I know well
turn the volume well up
and let it echo across the white bare walls of my apartment
so comes the relief of emotion
flood gates open
realisation that what I need is sensitation
sensitation to anything, to everything around me
everything that can become clouded over by dark thoughts
bad self esteem
all these roads I've been down too many times
to have any excuse to go back there
I need a boost
a voice that lifts my chin
and lets me see the light that comes through
reflecting brightness on a virgin cover of snow
So even though my plants are dying
euthanasia
and my things are scattered as if by a smart bomb gone stupid hit my living room
erupted
tossing cds, tshirts, socks, bills, books, cords, newspapers
in all directions
And maybe it's hard
but there's always a choice
what to accept as a mood
and what not to let enter into your mind and take over
I have a million things to enjoy today
can't keep this up
the only thing is i miss the only thing i don't have within arms length
it's strange how someone so quickly can find a place in your life
so naturally
that their absence leaves behind a void
a space only they can fill
-
ah! no more of this brooding and rambling. time for breakfast!
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